Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the abyss

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hug a cynic today

I think I'm turning into a cynic.
I literally puke if someone uses the word "boyf". *puke*
I look at newly formed couples and think... "why have they settled for this?"
I look at newly married couples and hope they have a pre-nup and that she kept her name and her own bank account... and don't sign a bond together.
Ok, so I speak from a few bad experiences. I guess it's kinda understandable how I feel.
But I don't want to live with a closed, battered and bruised heart.

I've tried very hard to keep my trust in mankind.. but man always seems to find a way of letting me down. And yes, in this case... it is mostly the men. (Although the women are often just as bad...)
I realise that this makes me difficult to approach and interact with. Who wants to approach someone with distrust in their eyes?
But this is how I feel: I dont trust.

I do believe (and hope, a bit) that it is a temporary backlash to a time in my life when my love and trust was abused. I feel like a bit of an anemone... open and trusting until someone gets too close and then I close up tight.
I think it's just going to have to take someone truly special to get through some of my tentacles.
Or maybe it will just take time.. and I will change my attitude.
I dont  know.

I just know that I'm not "putting myself out there", not checking out the cute guy in the corner, not trying to be nice and approachable... and I'm not "looking". And I'm kinda ok with that.
I'll admit that I'm looking forward to Mozambique where I can start all over, with no reminders of my past hurts. It's a bit drastic, but it might work.
I hope it does.

Maybe I'm not such a big cynic after all.
I'll stick to my corner of the world.. but...
If you want to throw your arms around me...
I guess I won't say no.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Puzzle Pieces

Women's Day 2010 was a day of firsts.
I did my first ever 10km race with my cousin.
We walked it (of course) and survived the rain and wind along the way.
Yay us! I think I'm now ready to do the Blisters for Bread 20km with al_ice. Woo!

Right after that, al_ice invited me to the 12 Apostles to have lunch with Mr Awesomeness.
I had never been there and, with such delightful company, I couldn't refuse the offer.
Well, the place was as decadent as I expected. I loved the rich furnishings, the stunning views of the mountain and the sea, the delicious food and the witty humour flying across the table.
It was a perfect day. :)

So, as we settled into the post-lunch lull, I noticed a puzzle box nearby.
It was of Table Mountain at night.. with lots of blue sky pieces and black sea pieces.
It looked impossible but I thought I'd just try and see how far I could get.

I sorted out the black and blue pieces and worked on the mountain and the border for a bit.
Some pieces were missing... some were simply misplaced.
I got frustrated and left it... and then looked again and I could see how to fill a gap.
Slowly, I started seeing the pictures in the blue pieces and the subtle differences in the big blue mass.
I guessed a few.. and it worked. With others, I could just see where they fit in and they did.
Pretty soon I was so involved in the puzzle that I lost track of time.. and what was going on around me.
I looked up.. and could finally see the bigger picture and how much I had completed.
I smiled.
And then I laughed.

Isn't it funny how we often look at a situation that seems impossible.. and we're unable to see any way out?
We get frustrated with what life gives us and give up when we feel that we dont have enough.
With a bit of perseverance, a little luck and a new perspective, we often do find a way.

During the race, there were so many times when I wanted to give up.
I looked and saw everyone else running.. and I was walking.
I looked and saw all the fit and healthy people.. and I clearly wasn't.
I looked up at the rain and thought.. surely they dont expect us to run in THIS?!
But I did. Despite everything... I did it.

Some people treat life like a race.
I'm going to walk... never giving up... taking the uphills with the downhills, the rain and the sun... but, in the end, I will accomplish what I wanted to according to my own rules and standards.
This can be the only way to real happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the bits and pieces of my life together.
I still believe that I have a few pieces missing... but maybe I'm just not looking at the big picture.
I'm going to take a step back and try not to put it all together right now.
I know that I have some good stuff "put together"... and that's a pretty good start.
I'll get to the rest of the puzzle when I need to.
For now... I'm just looking at all the pieces.
I'm sure it will all click into place somehow.

I haz its.

Blank spaces

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...
I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day. 
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.  
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear You

Dear You.
You who I'm not supposed to still be thinking about.
You who I've blocked and removed from my online life.
You who told me many moons ago.. that I could do this.
You who abandoned me.. when I did it.
You... who said he would never leave.
You left.

I'm now listening to your music, stumbling onto your pictures.
Wondering... hoping... could we go back?

I sit here perplexed.
You are still able to use the words "soul mates".
How is it possible that we could ever be mates... without ever meeting?
How could you know anything about my soul... without seeing my eyes, feeling my lips, touching my hips...?

We've been through this many times before.. and many moons ago...
I have to now accept that our time has passed.
Whatever could've been.. can no longer be.

So I thank you... for making me believe that I was worth the effort so long ago.
For helping me find the beauty that was hidden inside for so long.
For bittersweet moments that I can never forget.

I'm sorry that we hurt each other... when neither one of us wanted that.
There is still a small part of me that is angry with you.
I'm angry that you gave up too easily..
angry that you didn't fight for me.

But with all these mixed up feelings...
With all this unresolved madness...
I say good bye.

goodbye kiss