Monday, January 27, 2014

Zen and the art of cutting

Memories are funny things. And good intentions are supposed to be good things. And the universe, sometimes, has a pretty weird sense of humour. Such is life.

So a friend of mine is getting married on my wedding day. Well, my ex-wedding day. But still. It matters. To me. I think. I'm not sure if it should... but it does... sorta. I think? *sigh* This is my brain at the moment. Sorry.

ANYway... so I offered to help her with some things and I landed up cutting paper butterflies. Yay butterflies! 2013 was the year of the butterfly for me personally (for many reasons) but I haven't yet turned into a butterfly. I have my moments but the butterfly is still really important to me and I am working really hard on blossoming into one (so to speak).

So... I start losing myself in cutting up the tiny paper butterflies and my mind wanders to weddings and love and romance and I try to steer my head back into the here and now ... and then Alanis Morisette comes on the playlist. Oh come on, universe. Really?!

Nothing takes me back to the icky times in my life than old Alanis. My ex-husband and I used to do mix tapes (oh 90's i miss you) for each other when we were dating  and one of the songs I put on a tape for him was "Head over Feet."

You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that.....
You've already won me over in spite of me. And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet....
I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational

That was my "declaration of love." That was me, in all of my vulnerability, saying "I love you - Please love me back." That was me being certain... being so very careful with my heart and then being so very sure that this was "it" and handing it over. And I was wrong. (As an aside, that was also me having very low standards. Ha. #regret )

It's so very easy getting angry at "the other" in a relationship. He did many things wrong. But I did too. I made mistakes. I was wrong. And that's a bitter (and jagged!) little pill to swallow sometimes.

I made a mistake then. I'm not sure if the mistake was to trust him or to let myself fall in love so ridiculously that I lost all sense of myself. Would anyone have been able to stop that? Was the whole relationship a mistake or did I learn something from it? Some days... I'm not sure if much has changed.

I had all of this is swirling around in my head as I carried on delicately cutting up tiny paper butteflies. All the ups and downs were going on in my head... from regret to pain to sweet nostalgia... but none of it actually changed my reality. I am here because of all that happened in my past. All those experiences (bad and good) are part of me and who I am today.

So enough of regret. And enough of punishing myself for being me, when I really didnt know any better.

Sometimes I worry that my feelings will overwhelm me so I try not to get into the sads. But I'm still ok. I felt all the feels... and life went on.

Life is weird. Good intentions are still good. And memories are still funny things.
But life goes on regardless of your mistakes.

Mistakes happen and the only thing you can do is learn from them and enjoy the weird, lovely, funny experiences along the way.
I need to be a little kinder to myself.
And remind myself that it's ok to be human.... with a butterfly heart. :)


Monday, January 20, 2014

I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!

~ anib

Monday, January 6, 2014

New things in 2014

So 2014 has been an experience so far. I had another great new year's eve party at Boomerang spent mostly with my good friend Dawie and a few new friends and other lovely people I've got to know in 2013. But by the end of the 1st January, I was already relearning a very important lesson from 2013: boundaries are a good idea.

The details are not important but I got very tired of some people taking advantage of generosity and kindness. Everyone has to set their own limits but I know that I am done with leechy type friends. Friendship has to be about give and then take. And if that means I lose a few friendly faces along the way, I'm ok with that now. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage of.

Another new revelation this year was a nice boy showing some interest in me (not directly to me though). I was pretty surprised by the news and nothing has happened yet... but it's an interesting phenomena that I'm not quite sure how to deal with.

The funny thing is, another young man seemed to be attempting to test the waters with me yesterday and I was... well... scared. I actually literally ran away. Poor boy. :)

It's a pretty weird thing being attracted to someone and hoping they like you back. How do you decide that you like someone back? Isn't love supposed to be a big bang kinda thing?? I have been noticing the male species more often these days after letting go of the men I cant have. I've also been trying to switch my brain into "relationship mode" because I dont want something quick and dirty. I want the whole shebang. But how do you know when you have it?

I'm not even sure what "relationship ani" would look like. All I know is, everything that I used to do was just wrong. I've changed a lot and so my relationship skills need to change too. But I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a relationship. Should I wait until I do know? Are there any tester boyfriends I could practice on? Poor boys... ;)

And people always say that it's good to be friends before you become lovers but how do you even go from friendly guy friend to passionate lovers? It's a weird situation but I'm not going to push it. I'll wait and see what happens. Or is that too safe? I'm not sure.

2014 is going to be interesting. :)