Mid winter

It's so cold in Cape Town. It feels like it's been freezing since March. But we've just come out of mid-winter so.... here's hoping it gets warmer soon (but not too soon because we do still need the rain in Cape Town).

So of course I decided to spend this last weekend camping. In a hurricane. For fun. Issues, much? Well yeah, but it was actually fun, after I got over the anxiety of dying in a hurricane. Anyway, vortex was an interesting and wonderful experience for lots of reasons. I got to actually work at a party for the first time ever - like free entrance and meal tickets kind of work. Next level! Also, the hurricane scared off the two humans that hate me right now so I could just relax at the party.

It also felt really great being part of the flow arts group again. It felt nice being part of *a* group, I guess. But I did end up spending most of the party alone... which I really dont mind and enjoyed. I also spent most of the party sober which was great because I remember all the connections that I had with everyone. It was a really nice feeling. Adulting-ish, evens.

I had a similar experience at Afrikaburn this year. I camped with D-Camp with some friends and lots of new people that became friends. And I was also mostly soberish.... so was pretty myself and enjoyed the time with others and on my own. Lucky me.

But this year has been a little challenging with relationships and friendships. I've been trying to be more honest and vulnerable and it doesn't always work out the way I would like. But things are actually ok... friend wise. I have enough.

I just wish that I could get a handle on finances and move forward to building something and not just paying off kak. So far, I'm worried about my car, my mom's house, my chimney, security.... and like food, electricity and black tights (impossible to find! urgh!!).

But everything is actually fine.
And Good.
Enough.
xx

~anib

New year, who dis?

Dear blog... I'm sorry for neglecting you... again. But if you dont know me by now, gurl.... then I cant help you. :) And I realise how ridiculous it is to do a new year blog in March.... but 2019 has been a lot already. Happy New Year.... and thank fuck 2018 is finally over.

So.... 2018. What a year. I went to BOOM!!!! festival which was.... !!!!! No, truly, it was the best experience I've ever had. It had its challenging moments as well but I've been spoiled by that festival experience in so many ways. I spent so much time alone and wondering about the point of it all... and then tried to stop thinking so much and just experience the moments: the giant 40,000 people dancefloor, watching the full moon eclipse, the awe inspiring art, the heat, the lake, those cold showers, the tree hotel, the chill dancefloor, the best flow artists in the world, the being fields, the adult playground, the food (omg), acai ice cream, the giant ants, the ozzies, the israelis, the saffas, the toilets, the graffitti..... aargh... so much!  It was good, despite the logistics and money and bugs. It was good.

And then a week of Lisbon, mostly on my own, was truly relaxing and interesting and fun and scary and emotional and hot and good. It was good. All good.

And then back home. Where nothing has been good ever since. Well, you know... it wasn't all bad but I guess I've just been slowly spirally towards a depression low. 

I've had possibly the biggest and most heart breaking time with friends and trying to figure out who I am outside of friendships that I thought were solid. I've been trying to find my ground after a difficult psychedelic experience and possibly a psychotic break. I've been trying, trying, trying to find some kind of normal, some kind of stable, while everything around me seems to be shifting and moving way outside my comfort zone. I've yet to find it, to be honest. I've been struggling daily with what is real, what can be trusted, and who.... who on earth I can rely on in this lonely planet.

So far, I'm holding onto me, myself and I... which is dodgy at best and comforting in my saner moments. I think I might actually be losing my mind but people seem to think I'm doing ok. So, on I go, I guess. I'm still employed and I own a home... so perhaps I'm not doing too badly. Who needs humans, I guess?

I feel like I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I do enjoy my new home... when I'm home alone though. That's a whole challenge on its own. But my desire or need to go out to trance parties has significantly decreased. There's lot of reasons for that. My home at parties has been taken away from me but, also, perhaps... I have nothing that I'm running away from anymore. Home is a good place for me to be. I spend most weekends at home and really enjoy it. I'd like to spend it with more friends and family but I cant really force people to visit me. Like, I've actually tried.... I cant anymore.

Shrug

It is what it is, I guess.

I'm trying my best to move into 2019 with some confidence and self love. But the lingering self doubt continues. So we'll continue to fake it until we make it, I guess. And keep trying to find that tinest spark of joy or hope for better days.

Onwards.

~anib