So Adele's new song hit the world just before I left to go to London. And I listened... and sighed and let it go.
And then stuff happened and I didnt get to see him.... and on it played and played and played in my head.
I decided to let go of him and everything (ha ha well I tried) but dear lovely Dorothy Black forced me to critically evaluate my attachment to that song and him and all the unnecessary drama. Why do you keep calling if you're a million miles apart? He doesn't care. You shouldn't care. Just STAHP! And yet. And yet.
I also managed to finish a book this year. This amuses me because I couldn't even finish "meditation for busy people" (granted it was very small writing for a little book) but I was very kindly gifted "The Art of Asking" written by Amanda Fucking Palmer. What an awesome fun weird rambling little read. I really wanted to gift it to my good friend in the UK so I did my best to finish that book before I got to see her.
One of the things Amanda talks about is the imposter theory. You can go read up about it but basically, I'm feeling it in every way this week. I dont feel like I fit in at work or in any of my social circles. I get this little panic every couple of years, it seems, and then I just change my social circles... completely. It's a weird little pattern. But it's there,
So, I'm suddenly super anti-afrikaburn at the moment. And losing my love with the trance "family". And also feeling like I'm in way over my head at work. Even though everything is actually fine and people really do like/appreciate me. I just dont feel it.
I'm just sitting with it at the moment and not running. But it's tough.
I saw Big Ben and Waterloo and St Paul's Cathedral and London Opera House today and buildings older than my country. It's surreal and beautiful and crazy... and I'm exhausted from walking everywhere.
Also, I'm sure I'm pissing off the locals by walking in the wrong direction and pausing to stare at a beautiful piece of architecture.... but I want to stop everyone and just tell them to appreciate their ridiculously beautiful surroundings.
Heh. People are strange.
Work has been good. I rock at it. I cant wait to see my friends in Leeds... and I'm almost over people that dont make an effort to see me.
This song was in my head today as I decided to take a long walk back to the hotel... with google maps switched off. Was an experience.
I never expected to fall in love with London... but it really is charming.
Also... pretty damn proud of myself. After freaking the hell out on Monday... I'm starting to wish I could travel more. And maybe I will. Who knows. :)
So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
this actually pissed me off so much, that I had to have some calming tea. All I see is a couple of lying bitches who want to see you fall.
At least I know why this pisses me off. For me, I have never been able to trust female friends. They've always seemed to betray me in some way or abandon me or generally not be reliable in any way. Because of this, I have tended to stay away from female friendships because I just dont trust women.
I know (through therapy), that this is largely due to my mom's inability to show me unconditional love. I know she loves and cares about me in her way but her way is filled with a lot of conditions, including "be good", "be quiet" and "dont embarrass me." (And I'm equally hard on others for the same things, of course.)
This affects so many things in my life. I lose myself in relationships with men because I so desperately want to be loved. I hold back in friendships with women because I'm so scared of being judged. I'm constantly self critical despite because nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I've learnt not to trust anyone or anything and just do everything myself.
In fact, today, on the way to work, I saw a dog that had been ridden over. My only thought was that I should probably call someone to clean it up. It bothers me... a lot... that I have very little compassion for animals. It's not something I openly admit to because then people assume you're a psycho killer. I once explained to someone that I dont trust animals because I think they're just after something (food, shelter etc) and I dont see how you can care for something that just uses you. I realise, deeply and painfully, how fucked up this is. I'm kinda glad that motherhood seems to evade me. :/
You're supposed to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you dont, are you doomed to just never be able to accept love from anyone or anything?
Well maybe you're just doomed to life time therapy and learning to be ok with being alone.
Hat tip to Bean for this.... because I just dont get it.
It's been a hectic week in South Africa. The hashtag generation decided to change the world.
#feesmustfall #nationalshutdown #uctshutdown #etcetcetc
I'm hashtagged out, lost a few facebook friends, emotionally drained and so so proud of my country. I really have much more to say on the topic but I've definately overdosed on this topic and I need a break.
So... cute kittens with Hannah? Yes.
I was chatting to a friend about life and love and stuff, as one does. He met up with an ex and I said "be careful with your heat." He said he'd be fine as he only had a stone cold heart left. Yeah right. Our hearts keep beating, despite all the beatings it gets.
And on that note.... GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU ADELE. New single released today. THIS IS MY LIIIIIIIIIFE :) <3 p="" queen="">
I'm going to London in two weeks. So much squee. So much OCD on planning.
I woke up on Tuesday morning from another weird dream/nightmare and thought "oh that's pretty interesting... I should write it down." And then I fell asleep again and forgot the dream. However, I found that I had somehow managed to bite my tongue in my sleep. It's still really sore a day later so who knows what I was up to.
I logged onto twitter and people were bitching about some no bra day thing. Yes, I agree that no bras and pink shit doesn't help cancer but adding your voice just adds more noise sometimes. Maybe I'm super passive aggressive and not a fan of conflict, but I believe my silence says more than a verbal protest. Either way, I decided to ignore the drama and focus on the beautiful morning and forge ahead with a busy work day.
And then timehop gently reminded me that it was Yvette's birthday. I wish she (and her family) knew how much I still think of her. I still dont quite feel right having purple hair because that was her colour. And I wish I could plaster "please wear sunscreen" everywhere at outdoor parties. We haven't had too much sun yet but it's coming. Please please.... cover up and take care of your skin.
Anyhoo.. it made me a little sad to remember her, but such is the price of love. So on we keep moving with the day.
And then Facebook. It was pretty funny that in an informal twitter poll, I was one of the few people that chose Facebook as my favourite social media place. Look, it's full of conservative and/or racist friends and family.... but it's easy to hide those kind of things. Generally, the people that I follow are pretty interesting and entertaining. I guess I'm lucky in that way.
But then there are Facebook groups. ARGH. It can sometimes be a minefield to navigate the mini dramas that enfold. I am super grateful that I got my training in the old StumbleUpon groups on trolls and group moderation. Generally, it's a good idea to ignore the trolls. Let them have their say until they tire themselves out. And then you can update with the facts and leave them to carry on or lock the threads.
So I had a situation arise yesterday in one of my FB groups that made me super super angry. I remained calm when I was online and answered the necessary questions without responding to any personal attacks (aka "argumentam ad hominem", a much loved phrase). But damn was I angry offline. I was more angry that this was going on and on. Eventually I had to remove the thread from the public group because it was getting out of hand and I dealt with the issues in private message.
And then I went home and had a life.
I had actually almost forgot about it and was about to blog about it in anger last night when I got two apologies. Huh? I really didn't expect that. I generally avoid all conflict as I believe it never ends well. Granted, this was not really a personal issue so it was easier for me to stick to the facts and not feel too personally attacked. I guess I was just irritated that it was so public and embarrassing.
There're some lessons in here about keeping my tongue when I'm angry but also about learning when to speak up when I know something is wrong. There was a lot of stuff that I wanted to say, but it wasn't really appropriate or relevant to the particular discussion. So I'm glad I didn't say things that I would regret now.
In the end, it feels pretty fricking awesome to be validated and I think I did the right thing in this situation. I'm definitely not perfect though and I do make errors in judegment but I am always willing to learn from them. There're a few people that I trust that I will seek advise from tonight.... so we'll see what happens out of that.
Overall... twas a good day.
My tongue is still sore though.
It's not news to me that I can be a drama princess. I'm aware of how I can blow things out of proportion and focus too much on the negative.
So, after yesterday's post , I contacted two friends in the UK who jumped at the opportunity to see me, even if briefly. One was prepared to fly in from Isle of Man and another said she would just "MAKE" time. And I was deeply humbled and touched. And suddenly, very very over the "maybe" guy.
I've "known" him for almost nine years online... which is pretty ridiculous, come to think of it. But if I'm a lot more interested in meeting him than he is in meeting me.... then what the hell dude. Buh-bye.
In other news, I've been re-learning Hebrew because my favourite Israeli will be back in town soon. I stumbled across this phrase "Ani". Apparently it's a way to introduce yourself* ie Ani Ani. Heh.
So the translation is: "I am".
Man... I can't begin to express how happy that made me.
The main reason I landed up online was to discover who I was. When I first started on mIRC, I struggled with finding a pseudonym. I used to change it every couple of days and try different personas with it... but it didnt last very long. Eventually, I decided to go with my given name.
Ever since then, every place that I signed up for online was a place to discover who "anita" was. On StumbleUpon, I was given the nickname ani, which has stuck and developed into its own little persona based on what everyone else was telling me who I was.
When I first started this blog in 2009, it was about claiming back that name "ani" and trying to figure out who I was outside of everyone's expectations.
At the time, I wanted to be small and invisible and quiet and alone. Now, I'm much louder and brighter and sometimes too much in the light.
But, through all of this... I am.
With or without you, I am.
After spending so many years wondering "I am?", I'm finally starting to drop the question mark. Here's to finding the explanation mark and learning to love all that is "I". :)
* I got that from a youtube video but subsequent research has said Ani translates to I. Whatevs. The insights matter. :)
So I really miss blogging. Not that I ever really blogged with any real consistency here... but I used to in other places (*sob* stumbleupon *sob*).
I've tried to cut down on Facebook and limit my status posts to a max of one a day. Twitter is more of a stream of consciousness thing that I hope no one actually reads. And tumblr... urgh. Look, I've tried but I really just dont like it.
So... let's try Blogtober. I'm not going to blog every day but I hope to blog more - at least about once a week. There's lots of things going on in my head but I dont always write them down because I'm still trying to figure them out. I like to write a blog post with a conclusion in mind. I hear my English teacher in my head when I write that. But maybe you dont always need to have the conclusion at hand.
I also rely on my therapist to talk things through and maybe having another outlet would be a good idea. The public nature of this blog does make me a little nervous but I'll try to be a little braver.
I'll also try to post with little editing as I often get stuck in edit mode (post edit: as I'm doing right now....). It's my little perfectionist streak and I dont want to appear stupid. Like, I'm very much aware how bad it is to start sentences with "and" and "but"... and "like". :)
Anyway.... here goes.
Not much going on today other than I'm busy planning a work trip to London in two weeks. I dont have any confirmation of dates yet, so it's really messing with my slight control freak (SO FREAKING OUT WITH LACK OF CONTROL). ahem.
Also I'm a little disappointed in someone that I.... oh how do i put this delicately.... kinda want to love me but who doesn't give me what I really want. bleh. Really not sure how I feel about this friendship that isn't just a friendship and probably shouldn't be a friendship. But I feel like it's the last bit of romance I have left in the world. So... that's a pretty sucky feeling but I'm working through it.
So today is that day. I’m not even going to
bother checking my timehop today because I remember how raw my feelings were
when I posted on Facebook and Twitter about my dad passing away.
Three years ago, I really thought I had
many friends on social media. Maybe I did… but I know that I had not a single “friend”
show up at the funeral. Not one. And when I was hospitalised later that year, I
also had zero visits from any “friend”.
That year was one of the worst (second only
to my divorce year in 2008), but at least I learned some things. Mainly, I learned to fall out of love with my
twitter followers. Not everyone is your friend… And that’s ok. I cut out a
large percentage of my followers and don’t speak to any of the Cape Town “twitterati”
anymore since that year. I have zero desire for any more tweetups. My life got
a little bit more offline and, these days, I do share a whole lot less. Then
again, I also have a lot less drama in my own life and very little interest in
other people’s drama.
The internet is still an amazing place with
lots of potential for magical connections. I still have close friendships with
people I’ve never met in real life (through StumbleUpon mainly). But a real
friend shows up in real life. A real friendship requires action and time. A real
friendship has more than 140 characters.
I still have quite a few “friends” online
and offline that I know aren’t real friends. We are friendly and nice to each
other but I know that I only have a few people that I can call up at any hour
and rely on them. Lord knows I am so very done with unreliable people. And I cut them out much more easily (and quickly) these days.
Anyway, I guess I’m still angry at the
people I was friends with at that time that never showed up for me. I’m not
quite over it and I suppose I will have to let it go. But it’s made me much
more aware of who I can trust and perhaps also made me a little too aloof with
It’s my self defence system, I guess. When
I am your friend, I will give 100% of my loyalty and I have to know for sure that you’re not going to bail on me. So I wait and see and check people out for a long
time before I “commit” to the friendship. Not many stick around for that but it’s
ok for now.
People are hard work.
~anib edit. thanks to cath jenkin for linking to this article about our "online generation." in short... this is just how we are... but it sucks sometimes.
Last night, the tourist posed that question to me about the tree in the forest in one of our many many engaging conversations. I cant remember the context, really, but I can remember my unspoken thought: if I cant see it, it didnt happen. Some times I can be very literal (#injoke).
Something happened to him earlier that day and I had joked that I wouldn't believe him if he didnt have pictures. Pics or it didnt happen is basically the millennial version of the tree in the forest question.
And while struggling today to come to terms with the fact that he has now left the country (2 hours ago or so), and then trying to summarise my emotions in an appropriate, but not too sad, facebook and/or twitter post.... I came up with: "If it's not seen or heard or spoken, did it really happen?" Which I didn't post, of course, because no one likes vague booking.
But the sad realisation is that, for me, external validation is everything. If my thoughts aren't vocalised or expressed in some way and has some kind of feedback, positive or negative, I dont feel like they're real or worthy of anything. And that really sucks, on multiple levels.
Firstly, it makes me super addicted to all kinds of social media. I am not so proudly aware that I'm on at least ten active websites... the excuse is that I spread myself around so I dont become "too much". But I am "too much" or, more honestly, I actually feel "not enough". For many of these profiles, it's not really about the validation. Sometimes I just want the chance to see my thoughts written so that it feels real. Just thinking them is not enough...
Secondly, it makes me very vulnerable to manipulative people. I hope I've had enough of these types of people and I've become better at just not engaging with them anymore. But it's still difficult to walk away and not feel guilty that I cant save everyone.
And thirdly... man oh man do I worry a lot about what other people think. I sort of hoped that I would grow out of this by 35 but it's a pretty stubborn belief. I've learned to stop caring what random strangers think about me... but it's still important to me that I dont look like too much of an idiot to the people I know.
The only good thing is that I'm aware of all of this now.
And with all of that... I still have to somehow document how important the tourist was to me. There are very few people in the world that I can spend so many days with and not get bored. He's one of the easiest people to talk to and super nice, funny-ish (I was teaching him to be funny :P) and pretty smart too.
He was also pretty intuitive and an excellent listener. I will miss everything that he taught me about myself in a very mischievous way. His very sarcastic and teasing sense of humour helped me to look at some things that I didn't really want to look at. But I'm learning... and I'm grateful for the mirror. Also... literally. (#injoke)
Anyway... I will miss you, tourist.... until we meet again.