Thursday, March 25, 2010

Chopped Liver

I'm not quite sure how it started.
Who told you that you weren't worth it? That you weren't good enough for the very best that life has to offer?
And why... oh why do you insist on believing this and keep telling yourself the same thing?
If we look long enough, we can always find people and things to blame.
Perhaps no one is to blame... it is what it is?
We all need to learn our lessons in our own way.
But I'm not settling for anything less than WOW.
I deserve 100% of your time, energy and effort. If you think I don't.. then you need to go. Go now.

Never ever ever again... will this girl be anything less than number one.

That is all.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Jy is cooler as ekke

[reference: Jack Parow. This post is for South Africans only as I speak in Afrikaans.]

Ja. Jy is.
I've just never ever been cool.
Well, there was that brief moment in time when my youngest cousin thought I was awesomer than awesome.
Although back then, we didn't use the word awesome. I think I was kiff. Ja. Net so.
But she was young and impressionable... so... I dont think that counts.

About the only thing that made me cool was that I was, like.. so grunge, man.
I wore black all the time. Even had black nail polish AND lipstick. Hardcore, bitches. *giggle*
I even went vegetarian for a bit (that's pretty damn hardcore for a porra, ok?).
And I knew everything... about everything. Ah, to be sixteen again... ;)

Other than that, I was never cool at school.
To everyone else, I was a chubby boffin nerd and, worst of all, a "good girl".
Yep, I didn't smoke, drink or have sex when I was in high school.
No drugs either. I just watched. Yes, really.
I always did what I was told.
Mother said: Do whatever your teacher tells you to do. And I did.
I did all my homework, passed all my tests... was a good little girl. Always.
You can see how this was an epic disaster waiting to happen, right?

Anyway, even with all the smarts, I'm not geeky enough to qualify for geek cool.
I know a lot of geeky stuff... mainly because I spend a lot of time online.
I know about lolcats and internet memes and how to tweet and blog.
I know that the cake is a lie , Cthulhu is lord and master of all and the Flying Spaghetti Monster saves.
But I still love M$. I'm sorry.. but I do.
And although I now have Ubuntu on my laptop, I still pronounce Linux wrong (Lie-nux instead of Lih-nux).
It sucks. I'm geeky enough to be an online addict but not geeky enough to roll with the real geeks. I should really learn computers...

Other than that, I've always lived in da norf. Ja, beyond the boerewors curtain.
And, like, not even in the cool part of da norf. That would be D'ville, you Southern Suburb Snobs. Meh.
I've lived in Woodstock, Maitland (the horrors), Goodwood (shut it), Bellville (SUID!) and Parow. Ja. Fokken Peh-row. I KNOW, ok?!
Anyway, it's fine. At least I keep it real. Actually, no... I just feel like I dont belong anywhere. Very frustrating.

What else makes me not cool?
Well.. I LURVE silly crap.. like Hello Kitty... and My Little Pony... and butterflies. So gay. :P
Talking about gay... I should really be a gay man. I'd kick ass. (Oh, stop giggling.)
Music: 70's and 80's trash, Madonna, George Michael, ABBA. Yep, I have no shame.
I watch Oprah... and Dr Phil. If I could, I'd watch E-Entertainment channel all day.
I drive a Tazz.
I don't wear jeans.
I'm unemployed.
I think Die Antwoord is stupid.
I like the Parlotones.
I've answered a personal ad.
I can't tweet on my phone!

Argh... This is so liberating.
Now you know some of my secret shame.
I dont think I'll ever be cool... and that's really ok.
I'm pretty happy with my quirks.
Anyway.. don't panic. And don't unfriend me! :P
I do have some standards.
At least I don't own Crocs.
*chuckles to herself*

Friday, March 5, 2010

Stumbling through Relationships

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*