Monday, December 30, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 29 to 31 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

29. Share a photo of something old that has a personal history for you, maybe something that was passed down or has special meaning. Tell us about it and why it’s special.
dont have pictures but my grandmother's old dressing table is pretty special to me. i used to love going through all the cupboards looking for old pictures and things. i miss my gran a lot. 

30. Looking back: Share highlights from 2013. (can be pictures only)
haven't we done this already? oh ok... afrikaburn, new job, new love interest (although not to be fulfilled) and finally got rid of every ex-thing. freedom for 2014. 

31. Share some of your goals or resolutions for 2014
be more me... as weird as that sometimes can be. the weird ones are more interesting anyway.
rest more... enough of parties every week.
save more... and try not to give all your money away again.
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... learn to say no more.
and maybe some love and romance.

Happy New Year n stuff.


Friday, December 27, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 26 to 28 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

26. Share something you are proud of.
I think I'm braver than I think I am. I left a marriage that wasnt really doing anything for me. I survived a miscarriage and came out of a deep depression. I did the eulogy at my father's funeral. I do lots of things on my own. I'm kind and generous. I dyed my hair blue. I'm much more honest about who I am and what I like. I have people that actually know the real me and I've stopped hiding who I am. I'm proud of me... for the first time in a long time. :)

27. Where are you the happiest?At trance parties. I love to dance. I love to be around happy, shiny people. I love the bright colours and general playfulness. I love meeting new people and forming new friendships. I love being out in beautiful nature. It's just a beautiful place to be. And it's made me a much happier person in so many ways. 

28. Share something you are looking forward to in 2014.
Not sure, really. I think 2013 was a challenging year but I'm glad I came out of it smiling. I'm pretty happy with life at the moment and just would like more of the same... with a bit more romantic love, of course. 

Happy Holidays.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 23 to 25 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

23. Write about someone who inspires you.
Hmm... I've been asked this question before... and I've been stumped. I admire lots of different people for lots of different qualities that I dont have. I admire strong, beautiful, intelligent, opinionated, witty and successful women because I want to have a bit of all of that. I admire men that are kind and good-hearted. There isn't really one person that inspires me to be better but I am lucky enough to have a few people around me that want the best for me. That's good enough for now.

24. Pick a picture or quote that speaks to you and explain why. 
Just one??? :) On StumbleUpon, that's all I would do all day. I'm trying to use my words more than images these days because pictures can hide many things. So, if you want to know what images "speak to me", check out my pinterest.

This currently speaks to me because I now have mermaid hair. Mermaids have always meant something to me. Something about being a fish out of water.... and too emotional. 

25. Post a moment from your day 
This Christmas, it's all about my niece and goddaughter, Haley. Merry Christmas, baba.

And to all a good night.


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 20 to 22 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

What is your favorite time of the year and why.
i cant think of a specific time of year that i dont like. 
i like summer and winter for different reasons. 
there are good and bad memories throughout the year so.. it's all good, i guess.
appreciate the time you have. 

Share something you are struggling with right now.being without love. or, more specifically, being without an intimate partner or even a potential love interest to love and/or love me. i worry sometimes that i may forget how to love again... or that, maybe, i never ever knew how anyway.

Write about things that make you uncomfortable.
secrets from the past.
ex husbands.
that's enough, thanks.


Blog Challenge - Day 17 to 19 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

Post a photo of your handwriting
really? um... will get back to this one. 

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
flying. not a fan of walking or driving.

Go to a coffee shop. Order your favorite drink/snack, and write about whatever you feel like. (A life lately post, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.)
how about i just stay home and do this?

well i'm writing this at 12:10am 21.12.2013. 
last year, we were celebrating the end of the world on 21.12.2012. 
today i will be attending the love and light party. 
that's how my life has turned out.
yesterday was our team staff party and it was just awesome.
tomorrow i have "trance friends" at my house and it will be awesome.
i have family here and a new niece. 
i have health and happiness.
this is all i wanted.



Monday, December 16, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 14 to 16 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

14. What is the last book you read? What was it about? Do you recommend it?
I'm not very proud of it... but I dont really read anymore. I really cant remember the last book I read. 

15. Creative writing day: write a short fictional story that starts with the sentence “It was time. She had fought against it for too long…”
She needed a change. She wanted a change... now. But she was afraid. What if what she wanted was wrong? What would people say when they saw her? Would they accept her for daring to be different? Would she be able to look at herself in the mirror and smile again? She didnt know. And she didnt care. She had been careful and safe her whole life. She wanted this. She reached out to the hair dye... and took the leap. Blue hair!

16. A “day in the life” post.
Well today is a public holiday in South Africa so not much is happening. Yesterday was madiba's funeral which was sad and emotional. Tonight, my brother is arriving from Joburg with his wife and baby and I'm pretty excited to see my niece for the first time. I put the xmas tree up last night so now it's starting to feel a little like the holidays. So I guess I should go get some holiday shopping done today. Happy reconciliation day!


Friday, December 13, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 10 to 13 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

10. Post your favorite movies that you never get sick of watching
The Wizard of Oz - life lessons every single time I watch this. "You had it all along, Dorothy."
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - super romantic to think that someone would never forget you. 
Bridesmaids - stupid funny. 

11. Write something someone told you about yourself that you will never forget (good or bad)
"You are awe-ful." as in awe-inspiring. heh. 
"You have nice child bearing hips." and yet he never wanted kids with me. 
"You're very brave."

12. What are your top 3 pet peeves?

13. What is the best (or your favorite) moment(s) in 2013
oooo... Afrikaburn and the magic around getting my ticket, getting there, being there, butterflies (!) and my life afterwards. Got retrenched (which was a huge blessing in disguise) on the day I got back and got two great jobs after that. Makes me a bit nervous about Afrikaburn 2014, to be honest, because it wont have the same magic. So I'm still undecided about going again. We shall see. 


Blog Challenge - Day 7 to 9 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

 7. If you could live in any time period, when would it be and why?
I think the hippy 60's. Most of that stuff is fashionable again and I think I'm a hippy at heart anyway. Would be cool to be part of an era that had a real effect on the world. Everything now feels derivative and plastic. 

8. Favorite photo you’ve taken (or top 3)
I love pics of nature and my friends and family. But here are a few other favourites.
Afrikaburn heart
Blouberg Table Mountain
Helsinki sunflower


9. Tell a story from your childhood.
Other than the Dolly and the Rockers trauma, I will say that as children we had a pretty active imagination and used our grandmother's garden as our fantasy world. We would often play farm farm, turning the garden into a working farm and going through all the seasons. We did everything from snuggling together when it snowed in winter to harvesting our crops in summer.We would also do our own broadcast of "Good Morning, South Africa", where we did our own interviews, news, weather and even aerobics.. with the dogs being our props. Quite an adventurous bunch we were (my cousins and my brother and I) but I remember every detail of the imaginary world we created. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 4 to 6 of 31 days of Blogging

No time for fancy things... I'm already far behind so let's get through this.

4. What is your favorite comfort food? Post the recipe!

oh honey... i dont cook... very well.
i prefer eating out at restaurants. comfort food would generally consist of junk food like kfc. 
otherwise if i am home and need a quick meal, i love toasted cheese sandwiches or  popcorn or "yellow stuff" (creamed corn) .

5. Post 10 songs you are loving right now

also a difficult one. currently my fave music is trance but dont really have a particularly favourite track. my music tastes range from fado to pop music. i love music. i'm just not sure that i have too many currently popular favourtes but these are running around my brain at the moment:

  1. Karen Zoid,  Want as ek droom - Song that I discovered via my friend D. Makes me feel brave.
  2. Pink, Just give me a reason - Because reasons.
  3. Katy Perry, Roar - of course.
  4. Jolene  - I really want to like Miley but I just cant anymore. Dolly is still the queen of this song but hat tip to Miley for this version. 
  5. Hannah Hart, Cheese Pleasin Me - Because HANNAH HART 4 EVA
  6. Avici, Wake me Up
  7. The Dresden Dolls, Coin Operated Boy
  8. Gaga, Applause
  9. Wolfsheim - Ken Zuruck
  10. BoyceAvenue - Use Somebody

More here.

6. Post a picture of your favorite outfit. Bonus points for details

um..... well i prefer wearing dresses in summer and most of them are bright and colourful. but this rainbow jersey is a bit of a fave and always cheers me up. so much so that i now wear it sparingly so as not to lose its magical powers. 

~ anib

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 1 to 3 of 31 days of Blogging

I could write something personal and touching but I have a therapist for that. And I just dont want to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling these days. So... let's try this: A blog challenge for 31 days... that will not be updated daily. But we'll see how it goes.

Born in Woodstock. Grew up in Maitland. Schooled in Goodwood. Lived in Bellville, Parow, Plumstead, West Beach and now back to the 'wood.

Was top of the class in primary school and high school. Prefect and head girl type. Went to UCT. BCom(Acc). Failed final honours year but got first time pass in Board 1 and 2 and qualified as a CA(SA).

Had one boyfriend in high school (18) that I married when I was 23. He was 13 years older. Got divorced when I was 29 after a year of trial separation. Partly due to an online love interest (me and then him) but also had a miscarriage and related depression. I am still repaying his debt (our home loan). He has disappeared.

Quit my job at the time and was unemployed for almost 2 years. Took a massage class. And did pilates. Met a boy that was serious. And then met a few other boys that weren't.  Met a man that made me pay for everything including his bail money. Took him to Mozambique too. Paid for everything.

Met a trance acquaintance at ex-boy's wedding. Went to trance parties more often. Met lots of interesting people. Have a new family that loves me for me. Went to Afrikaburn!

Father died in May 2012. Went to Portugal that year to visit family and to Helsinki (to meet a man).

Have a new job now that interests and excites me.

I smile a lot more easily these days.

~249 words

1. dancing
2. making someone smile
3. toasted cheese sandwich
4. kissing
5. the colour pink
6. youtube
7. the wizard of oz
8. earbuds
9. laughing
10. lindt dark chocolate balls.

Hard one. Not a lot of pics that I like of me but trance parties have made me look good with bright happy pics of me all over the place. The truth is, I dont always feel super happy. But this pic from Origin 2013... I was pretty happy and relaxed. I made lots of new friends and had fun.Also... the happy hat made its d├ębut at this party.

Next update in a few days time. Have Vortex this weekend. :)


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

White paint

So I finally managed to finish painting our garage door. It's taken about a month because of the crappy weather in Cape Town. And procrastination. Maybe.

And memories of dad. Definitely.

There was an unspoken rule at our house: Mom ruled inside the house and Dad could do what he wanted in his garden and in his garage. After he died, the garage got dusty and the garden withered to nothing. In my little way, I'm trying to keep him alive by bringing his garden back to life and making the garage usable again. 

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.... but it's good.

Anyway, back to the garage escapade. I had no idea what I was doing but after a bit of googling, I just kinda got to it. I worked really hard on scraping off the old paint and washing it with sugar soap. When I was at the paint shop, I tried to not look like a lost lamb and didnt ask for help. So I picked up something that had a red door on it... expecting it to be red paint. Well, when I opened the paint, it was actually white. Urgh. 

I was getting upset with myself at how stupid I was but.... then I figured I must really be channelling my dad because he would've done the same thing. He didnt really plan things out carefully. He just kinda got an idea in his head and made the best of the situation. 

So, while I carried on painting the previously very red door a very glossy white... I smiled. To me, it felt like I was wiping a slate clean... making a new beginning.... bringing in light to a dark place. I could go on.. but the point is it turned out ok. Even with all the mistakes along the way, it turned out ok.


It felt weird painting over his work. I was thinking about him doing exactly what I was doing at the time. 
In a strange way, I felt close to him. Maybe I really  was channelling him in some way... 
I guess it feels strange because I'd never felt those things before. 
Maybe.... maybe... I could still get to know him.

All I know is... I have a white wall.
And it will turn out ok.

~ anib

Monday, October 14, 2013

Keeping secrets

Coincidences are funny things. Or maybe they're pretty serious things that you should pay attention to. Either way, at least they're good blog fodder. ;)

So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?

Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.

No shit. :)

I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough. 

So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in". 
I know this.
But still.
Aint that sad? 
Yeah. It is. 

true story

oh, hello shadow

My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.

So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again. 

Or maybe I will speak.


Friday, September 20, 2013

Unpacking the house

I have only a few close friends that I discuss my therapy sessions with. It's not something that I share easily because the things I discuss in those sessions are things that I hide very well... evenfrom myself. I dont really love the sessions because it's such hard work emotionally. But I'm doing it because I have to. For me.

So, while discussing a particular hard sessions with said close friends, I was told that I dont really need to deal with all of my issues at once. My dear friend gave me the advice that sometimes it's good to put your issues in a box and pack it away to deal with later.

I laughed and quipped: "I hear you but... I have so many boxes that have been put away, I cant move anymore without tripping over them." My therapist thought it was a good analogy and, so, we continue unpacking the issues.

The interesting thing is, this image has seeped into my unconscious and now I'm having recurring dreams/nightmares of my house filled with boxes and me trying to unpack them. My therapist happens to have an interest in dream analysis so I've been intrigued by his opinions. And I really do appreciate someone that takes my rather interesting imagination seriously. :)

So the first dream I had, I was excitedly telling my close friends about how I was getting rid of all these boxes. Someone was going to take them away and I was excited about all the things I was going to put into my new house. Of course, I didnt actually do any of the unpacking and moving out of the boxes. 

The next dream was on the anniversary of my dad's birthday... which, in the conscious world, I didnt really want to acknowledge. In my dream, I was in a car getting ready to go somewhere. I turned around and saw my dad. I was a bit shocked but he seemed so nonchalant about being there so I calmed down and thought that maybe I had imagined his death and everything.... *sigh*

And then I'm in my house and it is stacked to the roof with stuff.. some in boxes, most not.  And now I'm getting desperate to get rid of them. I have all this stuff from everyone else that I need to get out but I'm not sure how. I remember about four or five stacked mattresses and telling someone to please just take it all away. 

And, while I'm panicking about this.... I retreat back to my aunt's place which is empty and warm and a happy place for me. But I'm not happy because I know I'm just running away from what I have to do.

And that's when I woke up at 4am and managed to spill boiling hot water all over myself and now have a burn wound all across my stomach. Lesson learned eh?

Yeah, yeah.
We'll see.



Monday, September 16, 2013

For Dad

I thought I had nothing to add to last year's post... but this song is for you, dad. 
And for me.
Happy birthday.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Fight or Flight

A (long?) while ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to fly far away
I still want to run away sometimes... but I know that I've become stronger by staying and "fighting" another day. At the moment, I seem to be fighting my inner negative critical voice. She's a toughie.... but with some help from the doc, I'm at least starting to hear her.
The next step is to fight back... I'm working on it.

I'm being taught how to be quiet and spend time alone and just listen. In the quiet times, I often get angry and sad .. feelings that I'm not comfortable with at all. But I am trying to welcome them and let them flow. Because I really cant keep trying to ignore them.

It's time to let it flow. 


For a long time, I was a mermaid... submerging myself and all my emotions under a sea of relative safety. Only the very brave would find me in the depths and try to bring me out. There is also the romantic idea that I dont belong in this world... that this world was not meant for me. It was my safety mechanism to believe that I didnt need to be an active participant in this life. It was easier to be a victim.

For the last year, I've become attached to the metaphor of the butterfly.Butterflies are beautiful and free to fight or flight with utter grace. But they have lots of work to do in order to get to that stage. No one admires the caterpillar or sees their struggles before they become butterflies.

At Afrikaburn, I was a butterfly but my real inner struggles came after the party in the desert. My struggles continue. And, while I admire the butterfly and aspire to its freedom... I have a long way to go. 

So I'm not going to wish I could fly away anymore. I'm going to fight it out as a caterpillar on the ground. 

But the butterfly's time is coming. 
See you in the skies. 


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The language of love

I recently stumbled onto this website about love languages. Do the quiz.
My last two posts may been a bit confusing... I want love, I dont want love... The truth is, maybe I dont know what love is. Or I just dont understand the language.

So apparently my "languauge of love" is time and words. I do take it very personally if people dont have time for me. If I've made time for you and you dont pitch, it's really hard for me to forget that. And words can really move me deeply. I love poetry, writing... and long wordy emails. Conversely, I'm often hurt by careless things that people say.

The other languages are service, gifts and touch. And all my past relationship mistakes come rushing into mind.... *sigh* I've had partners that would show their love in their acts of service... and that just irritated me. I didnt want gifts and stuff. I want your time and attention... and hopefully a pretty poem. Well I did at least get one poem. :)

I dont have much more to add... other than I'm frustrated and irritated by my past mistakes and my current lack of progress. I have little patience at the moment.
And I feel like I'm running out of time....



Sunday, September 8, 2013

Who Are You?

Caterpillar: ... Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...
Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself. 
  Alice: Why, I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you know... 
  Caterpillar: I do not know. 
  Alice: Well, I can't put it anymore clearly for it isn't clear to me!  
Caterpillar: You? Who are you? 

Full clip here.

Someone asked me the other day what I like, what I do, what my interests are... and I was stumped.

I know why I was stumped, though. I have really changed so much in the last few years that I really dont know who I am right now. And so many of the things I liked or identified with, was in some way related to other people, which included friends, family and boyfriends.

My attempts at fitting in and trying to be liked by everyone included doing what everyone else was doing.I was getting so good at it, I lost who I was. Or maybe I just didnt give myself a chance to actually find out. Better late than never, I guess.

It doesnt freak me out as much as it used to. This "finding out who you are" business means a fair amount of time alone, doing things that scare me a little... doing new things I might not like... and doing nothing *big eek*.

But with all these new and interesting challenges I put myself through, I seem to survive. I've done dinner alones, clubs alone, gone to parties alone... and I did ok. The general aim is to meet new people but, at the moment, I'm generally ok with just being "alone".

Somewhere, in that empty space, I'll start filling it up with things that I love. But, for now, I need to let go of a lot of things (including half my wardrobe) and just be... alone.

*little eek*



Friday, September 6, 2013

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 

Good night, lovelies.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Mama... I killed a man

It's hard to write about something that hurts so very much.
It's so hard that I cant even talk about it in therapy. My dear doc has asked me to write angry letters to my mom and dad and I couldn't even get through those.
I guess it's easier to hate people that have physically hurt you. It still feels silly  to value my own feelings enough to be angry when someone just hurts you emotionally.
He's trying to get me to say "I matter".
Wish him luck.

And I wish I could pinpoint what exactly I'm angry/sad about. I kinda know what I missed out on because I see other well adjusted people and most of them have their parents' unwawavering love and support. Even during the tedxcapetown event I attended this weekend, I heard at least three people that credited their mothers as being the force in the lives that kept them going... the one person that always believed in them no matter what... and loved them unconditionally.

I dont feel like I had that.

And it sucks.

I'm not angry.
Just sad.
And tired of having to pick up the pieces all the bloody time.



Thursday, June 27, 2013

The old days

I stumbled onto this and realised... five years ago was a very long time ago. 

And although some things change... some things dont.
And maybe some people could see who I was before I even knew who it myself. :)

Sometimes I miss nice.
Sometimes I miss wearing my heart on my sleeve.
But I know I do miss old SU a LOT. 

Above reviews were from xineann and b-bear from the old StumbleUpon. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.

So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 

I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".

I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.


Friday, March 8, 2013


So after Monday's tingly feelings... we went out... had some fun (not that kind of fun) and landed up as friends. I should be ok with that... but I'm just not.

I feel like I've lost something

This isn't about any "him".

I feel like I've lost something more important: a bit of hope, the ability to trust completely, the capacity to love and be loved.

And I really hate how familiar this feeling feels.

Image used with permission from the photographer

Monday, March 4, 2013


I'm feeling tingled.

It's a good feeling... :)
It's a little bit of nervous excitement mixed with hope and endless possibilities.
And a healthy dose of fear and anxiety, of course.
I'm feeling tingled with the possibility of maybe... possibly... a love interest.

I can honestly say that it's been a while since I've had a serious maybe. I am so tired of games and no strings and complicated stories. I just want someone to like me. All of me. Just me.

It's been a long while. So I'm obviously super cautious. And, it seems, so is he.

And I could just be running away with this possibility without really thinking about it too much .... but I kinda like being run away with.

I guess I will have to check with the guy and see what he says. I could just ask and end the wondering. Or maybe it's enough to just have a maybe.
I dont know.
God, I hate being 16. ;)

Just A Kiss. by ~AnaKidd
In other news.. check out snail sex.


PS: yay! :)

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*
"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.