Good news

I need some good news
Sittin' here, sippin' on cold truth
Nobody knows what I'm goin' through
Bet the devil wouldn't walk in my shoes

Wish someone told me
Livin' this life would be lonely
Tryna get away from the old me
Still stuck singin' these blues

All I really need is a little good news

- Shaboozey 2024

2025 has been 2025-ing. We seem to be descending quickly into facism and late stage capitalism is killing our collective will to live. It's hard to wake up every day and be bombarded with genocide, femicide, transphobia and general wtf-ery. The horrors persist, but so do we.

Somehow, in all of this (gestures wildly), I found the strength and energy to go to "the Outside". I went to the AfrikaBurn Decompression party. We haven't had an official Decompression since pre-Covid days.... so this one was special. We also had it at the Castle of Good Hope which was a challenge for many people but it also really important to reclaim that space. And the weirdos won again. I'm so proud!

I decided to dress up in ridiculousness because, why not?! The thing with dress up is that although it's just a costume, it does become a part of you. I was so afraid that I had lost a piece of me that was silly and frivolous and all I had left was an empty hard shell. But the mask melted away quickly and I was able to access a part of me that had been hidden for a while.

I have been feeling a little isolated and alone and have been afraid that this was just the way things were going to be. I was starting to get worried that my fluffy heart had frozen up and would never break out of its cage again. Would I just continue to talk in mixed up metaphors about better times? Well, fear not.... I'm almost back to me(ish). :-P

I was so impressed with the variety of music, the variety of humans and, more importantly, the kindness of strangers. Man, but I really love to dance. We have so much talent in this country. I was so proud. And I had so much fun! Burners just have a whole different vibe. My favourite people are still trancers, but burny trancers are the most FUN!

Anyway, it was a great day to reconnect with new and old friends and I treasured the special moments of human interaction. I know.... I suprised myself! Although (some) people can be mean, it really is a beautiful thing when they decide to be their better selves. Self included! (Note to Self!)

And talking on better people.... Ah Cyndi Roberts. 

It's been so difficult to deal with such a huge loss to the trance, burner and festival community. She wasn't just this or that... she was home to so many people. She created her own space, she made space for others, she gave and gave generously. She was tough but fair. She was beautiful and funny and smart and kind. She fed us and kept us on our toes. She worked so hard. She was loved so very much and we will miss her but never forget.

It was so beautiful to attend her memorial service and various "after tears" events. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We burned a few things and ate and drank. And now we need to carry on living and loving each other. Because this is what we do. And this is why we do it.

Anyway. It was good to share the space with the bestest weirdos. 

It reminded me why love and friendship is so important. I am so thankful.

In between all of this, there was a birthday that I largely ignored. I wont be doing that again but I did need the little me-time to absorb all these re-learnings. Let's celebrate more things together. This is why we do it.  

Love n stuff. But mostly love.

xx

~anib

Closer to Fine

🎵 Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. 🎵

Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!

But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. 

But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!

Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!

And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.

It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! 

And did I mention the pink?! 

Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:

I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white?
But the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
But there's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine, yeah 

Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!

*spoiler alert*

There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. My mom got me Dana when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. 

Ja hey...Moms. <3

Love n stuff.

~anib

Soul Boogy

So I ran away to Mozambique for my birthday. Thirty Fucking Seven. Holy crap, that's a lot closer to Forty than I'm ready for. And so I ran.... slowly. Because I'm effing old. :)

So I decided to attend the Mozamboogy party in Ponta Molagane, Mozambique for the weekend. The adventure started with a flight to Johannesburg that was delayed because of a tornado and heavy rainfall in Johannesburg. Did I mention the tornado? Because... TORNADO WTF! Things could only get better from there, right?

Well the bus ride up to Kosi Bay border from Johannesburg was pure hell. We left at 8pm to arrive at the border at 8am so I expected to sleep through the whole thing. Except for one guy who wanted to  turn it into a party bus. One drunk guy. 50 non drunk people. One very irritated Ani that forgot her earphones in her luggage.  So at least I discovered something about myself: I turn into a horrible, mean, sarcastic, unsympathetic bitch with zero sense of humour when I'm cold, tired and irritated. Who knew. Grr.

When we eventually got to Mozambique though, I could not be happier. Mainly because I finally got  away from the drunk guy and I got to speak Portuguese and OMG SUNSHINE!!! Johanneburg was freezing cold and, since we stopped along the route a few times, we were outside at 3am in the zero degree temperatures so I was really just grateful for the warm, tropical weather.

Once we got to the place (after a very bumpy ride), I checked into my little log cabin and started to make it home. I put up my rainbow stuff and I walked around a bit and sat on the beach trying to absorb as much sun as I could.... but, as I was really tired and in no mood for people, I just had a bit of a snooze before I did much of anything. My first 24 hours there, I spent mostly by myself. I meditated, ate some good food, wrote some things, and breathed out all the stresses over the last couple of months. Holiday mode engaged.

I was on the Mozamboogy dancefloor for a little bit but it's really difficult dancing on a sandy dancefloor. I also sat on the sand and got so badly bitten by sand fleas that I just decided to not do that again. I was there to relax. I can dance at a million other trance parties in Cape Town. Plus, my log cabin was so close to the dancefloor that I could dance to the music in my sleep.


On the Friday, I met this awesome dude that reminded me of my friend G that passed away. He was crazy AF but super smart and super entertaining. He got me out of my self induced bubble and, through him, I met a whole bunch of nice people. Also, my other friends arrived later that day, so the social part of the party was ON. It was ok... and I enjoyed my time with them but I really treasured the moments that I had to myself.

On the Saturday... I had the best experience. It was a very personal journey of discovery and I learnt so much about myself and what I want to do with my life. I really feel that I have a gift to help people with their heart stuff. And all I need to do is just bear witness and let people share their pain. I had a few people cry on my shoulders and they left me with a smile. So that's something. It was really amazing and powerful and... well I still haven't figured out what it all meant.

I want to write more about how much this affected me and how I truly feel called to a bigger and higher purpose... but I just dont have the words to explain it right now. All I can say, is that it was a much needed trip and I feel like something big changed for me during those few days.

Overall, though, the party was average and I wouldn't return. I met a few amazing people but mostly the crowd was very "Joburg" in their attitude and that really irritated me. The music was average and the journey to get there was really a painful mission. But it was still a good once off experience.

Next year.... I really hope to do the European trance scene. I'd love to go to Ozora in 2017 and Boom in 2018. And although I valued the time to myself, I really did miss some of my core people. But I guess you have to miss people sometimes to really appreciate them. Yalla. :)

xx

For Dad

I thought I had nothing to add to last year's post... but this song is for you, dad. 

And for me.

Happy birthday.

x0x

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani

Blank spaces

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...

blank

I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day. 
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.  
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...

xx