Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Blank spaces

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...
I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day. 
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.  
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...


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