Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hug a cynic today

I think I'm turning into a cynic.
I literally puke if someone uses the word "boyf". *puke*
I look at newly formed couples and think... "why have they settled for this?"
I look at newly married couples and hope they have a pre-nup and that she kept her name and her own bank account... and don't sign a bond together.
Ok, so I speak from a few bad experiences. I guess it's kinda understandable how I feel.
But I don't want to live with a closed, battered and bruised heart.

I've tried very hard to keep my trust in mankind.. but man always seems to find a way of letting me down. And yes, in this case... it is mostly the men. (Although the women are often just as bad...)
I realise that this makes me difficult to approach and interact with. Who wants to approach someone with distrust in their eyes?
But this is how I feel: I dont trust.

I do believe (and hope, a bit) that it is a temporary backlash to a time in my life when my love and trust was abused. I feel like a bit of an anemone... open and trusting until someone gets too close and then I close up tight.
I think it's just going to have to take someone truly special to get through some of my tentacles.
Or maybe it will just take time.. and I will change my attitude.
I dont  know.

I just know that I'm not "putting myself out there", not checking out the cute guy in the corner, not trying to be nice and approachable... and I'm not "looking". And I'm kinda ok with that.
I'll admit that I'm looking forward to Mozambique where I can start all over, with no reminders of my past hurts. It's a bit drastic, but it might work.
I hope it does.

Maybe I'm not such a big cynic after all.
I'll stick to my corner of the world.. but...
If you want to throw your arms around me...
I guess I won't say no.


  1. The best way to win over those who hurt you is be happy. The good ones who hurt you unintentionally will be happy that you're happy. The bad ones who hurt you intentionally will be hurt by your happiness.

    It's, win-win-win.

  2. I agree... just need to redefine what happiness means to me. Thank you. :)