Monday, July 19, 2010

No more fear

Part 1:

You are bigger than me... a giant monster of a man.
You are older... but not wiser.
You know some things.. like how to scare a little child.
You are hairy... everywhere.. and you smell like cheap wine.
You are selfish... and evil... I hate everything about you.
I hate who you are and what you did.
I felt ugly and stupid.. and scared.
I secretly smiled when you died.
And I still keep your secret.
You don't deserve that.

Part 2:

You used to adore me... and then you stopped.
I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.. but I could only be me.
I left you... and you were angry... very angry.
You pushed me around and forced me to listen to you.
You promised to take everything away from me, including my life.
You lied... to me, to my family, the law and to yourself.
You think that you've won... but I pity you.
I am walking away but I still feel trapped.
I am still scared.
I hate that.
I hate you.

Part 3:

You lied to me... just as you lie to yourself.
I told the the truth and you told me to shut up.
You then forced me to shut up.
This time, I had the strength to walk away.
You are nothing.

Never again... will any man make me fear.
Never again.. will I be held down, shut down, put down.
Never. Ever. Again.

Pic Link: Fear
Please Note: The above is merely my opinion and my experience. Nothing will be removed.
And I am by no means a "battered woman".. but have had a few scary experiences. That is all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.