Tuesday, March 6, 2012

On Being Alone

So I did it. I let go. As with most things in my life, it happened in a rather dramatic way. But it is done.

I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.

Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.

And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.

big girl panties time..
I am ok with it.

Fake a smileby ~Alephunky

Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".

This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.


I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
Wish me luck.
*steps out alone*