On Being Medicated

 Depression? Kinda depressing, hey?  😂

Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(

I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.

My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.

I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. 

I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.

Take the meds. Speak to someone. 

There is help out there. Even if it's hard. 

It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.

k. bye.

~anib

Closer to Fine

🎵 Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. 🎵

Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!

But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. 

But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!

Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!

And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.

It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! 

And did I mention the pink?! 

Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:

I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white?
But the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
But there's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine, yeah 

Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!

*spoiler alert*

There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. My mom got me Dana when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. 

Ja hey...Moms. <3

Love n stuff.

~anib