Monday, October 14, 2013

Keeping secrets

Coincidences are funny things. Or maybe they're pretty serious things that you should pay attention to. Either way, at least they're good blog fodder. ;)

So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?

Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.

No shit. :)

I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough. 

So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in". 
I know this.
But still.
Aint that sad? 
Yeah. It is. 

true story

oh, hello shadow

My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.

So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again. 

Or maybe I will speak.


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