So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?
Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.
No shit. :)
I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough.
So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in".
I know this.
Aint that sad?
Yeah. It is.
|oh, hello shadow|
My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.
So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again.
Or maybe I will speak.