Monday, October 26, 2015

Girl friends

No Dorothy Black, this is not lovely....

this actually pissed me off so much, that I had to have some calming tea. All I see is a couple of lying bitches who want to see you fall.


At least I know why this pisses me off. For me, I have never been able to trust female friends. They've always seemed to betray me in some way or abandon me or generally not be reliable in any way. Because of this, I have tended to stay away from female friendships because I just dont trust women.

I know (through therapy), that this is largely due to my mom's inability to show me unconditional love. I know she loves and cares about me in her way but her way is filled with a lot of conditions, including "be good", "be quiet" and "dont embarrass me." (And I'm equally hard on others for the same things, of course.)

This affects so many things in my life. I lose myself in relationships with men because I so desperately want to be loved. I hold back in friendships with women because I'm so scared of being judged. I'm constantly self critical despite because nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I've learnt not to trust anyone or anything and just do everything myself.

In fact, today, on the way to work, I saw a dog that had been ridden over. My only thought was that I should probably call someone to clean it up. It bothers me... a lot... that I have very little compassion for animals. It's not something I openly admit to because then people assume you're a psycho killer. I once explained to someone that I dont trust animals because I think they're just after something (food, shelter etc) and I dont see how you can care for something that just uses you. I realise, deeply and painfully, how fucked up this is. I'm kinda glad that motherhood seems to evade me. :/

You're supposed to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you dont, are you doomed to just never be able to accept love from anyone or anything?

Well maybe you're just doomed to life time therapy and learning to be ok with being alone.

Hat tip to Bean for this.... because I just dont get it. 



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