Monday, November 28, 2011

It still hurts


It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.


It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

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