Friday, June 1, 2012

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.


I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.



  1. I've only just read this today, fitting for me I suppose. I haven't been able to handle the concept again but in my own anniversarial confronting of the date, I can read this today.

    I get you, on the anger. How is it that someone who gave so ridiculously more than themselves, is robbed of their life? Where's their repayment?

    I'm going to tell you something my dad did, during our last chat. He said he was okay, for a number of reasons. He said that even though he felt he had so much more to give, he knew that he had given it all. And that all he really wanted was to make sure he raised children who gave life its all. Their all.

    Know this - you do. Know that your dad saw that, sees that, and is proud.

    Anger is normal in loss. I still find myself angry. I get angry at the stupid things. I get angry at school for having grandparents day because IT IS NOT FAIR THAT MY PARENTS ARE NOT THERE. HOW DARE A SCHOOL BE SO INSENSITIVE TO HAVE A GRANDPARENTS DAY!?!?

    But, Ani, your anger will calm. It'll become less of a force and more of an occasional bite in the ass. I promise. Just don't be afraid to feel anything, everything and nothing, at all times.


    1. a year later.. can you believe it... thank you again. xx