Thursday, June 28, 2012

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.


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