Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I once found a heart shaped rock on a beach. Without a moment's hesitation, I immediately gave it away to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote something like "forever yours" on it. Because that's what I believe(d?): when you love and care about someone, it's enough and it lasts forever.
Yes, you may laugh now. :)
So I've learned a bit since then.... oh, how I've learned about love. The short version is: I know nothing.
I've tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, lover, f*** buddy (ahem. no judgies.). But apparently, I suck at all relationships. *insert self pity here*
No, really. Nothing has worked out for me.
I really dont get why... but I'm trying to fix it. I'm sorta getting into a new relationship (yes, it's always complicated and no, it's not "official"). I'm trying to finally learn from my mistakes. I'm trying not to figure out the ending before I've started. I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to do things on my own first and not expect things. I'm going to ask for what I want. I'm trying.
Because... while I do give away my heart very easily, I do still need and want to be loved in return. I am tired of feeling not good enough for the very best attention. I need to walk away from people who dont have time for me, who actually care when I've broken a nail (or, you know, attend my dad's funeral and visit me in hospital *cough*). People who can look me in the eyes and tell me I'm doing something stupid and who love me anyway when I'm doing something stupid. I'm not even sure if that's too much to ask but I have now "walked away". Being alone is a humbling experience. I'm trying to find the potential for better things. It's taking time.
A few months after I found my first heart rock that I gave away, I found a smaller one that I kept for myself. It was supposed to inspire me to love myself more.. to expect better of me and the people around me. I think it's inspired me to freeze my heart and make it unbreakable. Mission almost accomplished.
But I'm going to persevere and try again.
Cause I need love.
We all do, I guess.
But this will be the last time.
(Yes, you may laugh now.)