Puzzle Pieces

puzzle

Women's Day 2010 was a day of firsts.
I did my first ever 10km race with my cousin.
We walked it (of course) and survived the rain and wind along the way.
Yay us! I think I'm now ready to do the Blisters for Bread 20km with al_ice. Woo!

Right after that, al_ice invited me to the 12 Apostles to have lunch with Mr Awesomeness.
I had never been there and, with such delightful company, I couldn't refuse the offer.
Well, the place was as decadent as I expected. I loved the rich furnishings, the stunning views of the mountain and the sea, the delicious food and the witty humour flying across the table.
It was a perfect day. :)

So, as we settled into the post-lunch lull, I noticed a puzzle box nearby.
It was of Table Mountain at night.. with lots of blue sky pieces and black sea pieces.
It looked impossible but I thought I'd just try and see how far I could get.

I sorted out the black and blue pieces and worked on the mountain and the border for a bit.
Some pieces were missing... some were simply misplaced.
I got frustrated and left it... and then looked again and I could see how to fill a gap.
Slowly, I started seeing the pictures in the blue pieces and the subtle differences in the big blue mass.
I guessed a few.. and it worked. With others, I could just see where they fit in and they did.
Pretty soon I was so involved in the puzzle that I lost track of time.. and what was going on around me.
I looked up.. and could finally see the bigger picture and how much I had completed.
I smiled.
And then I laughed.

Isn't it funny how we often look at a situation that seems impossible.. and we're unable to see any way out?
We get frustrated with what life gives us and give up when we feel that we dont have enough.
With a bit of perseverance, a little luck and a new perspective, we often do find a way.

During the race, there were so many times when I wanted to give up.
I looked and saw everyone else running.. and I was walking.
I looked and saw all the fit and healthy people.. and I clearly wasn't.
I looked up at the rain and thought.. surely they dont expect us to run in THIS?!
But I did. Despite everything... I did it.

Some people treat life like a race.
I'm going to walk... never giving up... taking the uphills with the downhills, the rain and the sun... but, in the end, I will accomplish what I wanted to according to my own rules and standards.
This can be the only way to real happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the bits and pieces of my life together.
I still believe that I have a few pieces missing... but maybe I'm just not looking at the big picture.
I'm going to take a step back and try not to put it all together right now.
I know that I have some good stuff "put together"... and that's a pretty good start.
I'll get to the rest of the puzzle when I need to.
For now... I'm just looking at all the pieces.
I'm sure it will all click into place somehow.

Optimism?
I haz its.
^_^

Blank spaces

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...

blank

I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day. 
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.  
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...

xx

Dear You

Dear You.
You who I'm not supposed to still be thinking about.
You who I've blocked and removed from my online life.
You who told me many moons ago.. that I could do this.
You who abandoned me.. when I did it.
You... who said he would never leave.
You left.

I'm now listening to your music, stumbling onto your pictures.
Wondering... hoping... could we go back?

I sit here perplexed.
You are still able to use the words "soul mates".
How is it possible that we could ever be mates... without ever meeting?
How could you know anything about my soul... without seeing my eyes, feeling my lips, touching my hips...?

We've been through this many times before.. and many moons ago...
I have to now accept that our time has passed.
Whatever could've been.. can no longer be.

So I thank you... for making me believe that I was worth the effort so long ago.
For helping me find the beauty that was hidden inside for so long.
For bittersweet moments that I can never forget.

I'm sorry that we hurt each other... when neither one of us wanted that.
There is still a small part of me that is angry with you.
I'm angry that you gave up too easily..
angry that you didn't fight for me.

But with all these mixed up feelings...
With all this unresolved madness...
I say good bye.

goodbye kiss

No more fear

Part 1:

You are bigger than me... a giant monster of a man.
You are older... but not wiser.
You know some things.. like how to scare a little child.
You are hairy... everywhere.. and you smell like cheap wine.
You are selfish... and evil... I hate everything about you.
I hate who you are and what you did.
I felt ugly and stupid.. and scared.
I secretly smiled when you died.
And I still keep your secret.
You don't deserve that.

Part 2:

You used to adore me... and then you stopped.
I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.. but I could only be me.
I left you... and you were angry... very angry.
You pushed me around and forced me to listen to you.
You promised to take everything away from me, including my life.
You lied... to me, to my family, the law and to yourself.
You think that you've won... but I pity you.
I am walking away but I still feel trapped.
I am still scared.
I hate that.
I hate you.

Part 3:

You lied to me... just as you lie to yourself.
I told the the truth and you told me to shut up.
You then forced me to shut up.
This time, I had the strength to walk away.
You are nothing.


Never again... will any man make me fear.
Never again.. will I be held down, shut down, put down.
Never. Ever. Again.


Pic Link: Fear
Please Note: The above is merely my opinion and my experience. Nothing will be removed.
And I am by no means a "battered woman".. but have had a few scary experiences. That is all.

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

I don't know

From an old group post on Stumbleupon:

The Edge

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love

Can't speak

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

can't speak

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

everybody scream

just thought i'd let you know.
x