100 Truths

100 TRUTHS

this is me being lazy.
i have lots of thoughts in my head... but i found this list at riven's so i thought i'd play along.
enjoy. :)

1. Last beverage ~ some orange fizzy crap
2. Last phone call ~ called a friend last night
3. Last kiss ~ i'd rather not say.. it's complicated.
4. Last song you listened to ~ music during pilates class.. reminded me of my ex-husband.
5. Last time you cried ~ this morning at pilates class.. listening to the music.*sigh*

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ huh?
7. Been cheated on? ~ yep
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? ~ no regrets.. eventually
9. Lost someone special? ~ sure.
10. Been depressed? ~ yes.
11. Been high? ~ never.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink
13. Black
14. Red

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ i hope so
16. Fallen out of love ~ probably never will.
17. Laughed until you cried ~ not often enough.. but yeah.
18. Met someone who changed you ~ constantly
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ still learning. :)
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ oh.. i dont mind that. :)
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ dont have a list.

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ two should be fine... but i dont think that will happen for me.
24. Do you have any pets ~ no. nothing that is just mine.
25. Do you want to change your name ~ my registered name? yes.
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ i had a tweetup.
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 815am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ to find my passion
30. Last time you saw your father ~ he's here right now.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ more self confidence. with that, i can do anything.
32. What are you listening to right now ~ Cape Talk radio
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ i know a thomas.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ my lack of money... and everyone else getting paid this week.
36. What’s your real name ~ anita... ani... ann... depends who you are.
37. Relationship Status ~ divorced.
38. Zodiac sign ~ Leo
39. Male or female ~ Female
40. Primary School ~ Maitland Primary school
41. High School ~ Fairbairn High School
43. Hair color ~ Brunette... with occasional bursts of red when i'm feeling down.
44. Long or short ~ medium-ish
45. Height ~ i dont know
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ i dont know
47. What do you like about yourself ~ me funny :P
48. Piercings ~ ears only
49. Tattoos ~ nope
50. Righty or lefty ~ right handed

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ miscarriage 2008
52. First piercing ~ ears pierced ages ago... primary school?
53. First tattoo ~ not sure... probably never.
54. First best friend ~ Serina
55. First Sport ~ netball
56. First pet ~ not really a pet owner
57. First vacation ~ probably with the ex-husband... bed and breakfast.. stayed indoors mostly.
58. First concert ~ UB40.. when they first came out here.
59. First crush ~ oh... Michael. :)
60. First alcohol drink ~ probably the wine my grandfather and dad and uncle used to make. yuk.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ lunch... steak n veges.
62. Drinking ~ Nothing yet.. probably more fizzy orange stuff.
63. I’m about to ~ stumble at http://anitab.stumbleupon.com
64. Listening to ~ CapeTalk is playing "we are the world". wtf?
65. Waiting for ~ someone to call or chat with me.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes ~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ hugs
71. Shorter or taller ~ taller
72. Older or Younger ~ older
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ arms
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ tats
76. Sensitive or loud ~ sensitive
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ trouble maker. ;)

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ kinda
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ often
82. Cried in front on someone ~ often
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes.
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ nope
86. Turned someone down ~ dont think so
87. Cried when someone died ~ yep
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ no
90. Miracles ~ sometimes
91. Love at first sight ~ yes
92. Heaven ~ yeah
93. Santa Clause ~ i do.
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ hmm... yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i dont know
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ no.
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever ~ i hope so
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ internet
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

my internet friends

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.
;)

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

Website: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.
<3

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.
x


Link

*SU=StumbleUpon

Stuff I like

This post was inspired by the inspiring and beautiful, wise and witty Wenchy. (The purple background is for you. :*)

These are a few of my favourite products (that I happened to have around the house) and a little bit more about my madness.

Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion:
This is my life saver during summer. I LOVE this stuff.
This is different to other self-tan lotions because it very gradually builds up a nice colour. The more you use it, the darker you get so it looks very natural.
I use it mainly for my legs cause I dont usually like to show them out in public. I'm slowly getting over that. ;-)

Knorr Mince Mate Range
Because I can't cook to save my life.. this makes me feel all awesome because it always comes out yummy. And it has all my favourite food groups in one: cheese, meat, pasta. Om nom nom. :P


JC Le Roux La Fleurette
Pink Champagne. This one's being chilled for a special celebration tonight. I'm not supposed to say this, but the boy likes this too. Not too sweet, nice n bubbly.. and pink! Woo! ^_^

Ultra Mel Custard
This always makes me think of summer holidays and Christmas time. It used to be a special treat but now that I'm all grown up, I can have it whenever I want! Goes well with jelly and/or ice cream.... or on its own, warm or cold. *drool*

Wonderbra
Well.. what can I say... it does what it says... wonders! :P
The boy bought me this one recently. It is very pink. And very wondrous effects. Brand plus plus. :P

Oh so Heavenly Foot Range
I love pampering my feets... and this stuff does all I need it to do: scrubs, treat and nourishes. It's also been a hit with the boy. Oh so lovely. :)

Radox Herbal Bath Salts
Since I cant afford therapy anymore.. I take long hot baths. These "Aromatherapy" Bath Salts make the water all soft and smells so niiiiice... I don't think it has any healing powers, but it makes me happy.

Johnson's Baby Oil
Well, there is no baby at home... this is used mainly for massage. I've tried some other "proper" massage stuff... but this is still the best. Makes me happy. ;-)


Cotton buds
Ok.. my secret shame.. I'm addicted to cotton buds. This brand is crap.. but if I had the good stuff, I would use two or three a day. No, my ears are perfectly clean, thank you. I'm just.. um.. a little obsessed with the stuff. I know.. I'm weird. :-/

Hello Kitty anything
I know.. I'm too old for this.. but I <3 Hello Kitty kitsch. Pity that they only make the stuff in kiddy sizes.. meh. But I managed to find this alt Hello Kitty top at Mr Price. I LOVE it. AND... it's in PINK!!! I think I have too much pink. :P

There you go.
A small slice of my life.
Now show me yours.
^_^

Paolo Nutini

I have a new obsession... Paolo. <3
I'm sure I've heard him on the radio... but the name didn't stick. Well, today.. I'm stuck on repeat. So, here's a taste...


"Last Request"
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.


"Loving You"
when you're loving me, i'm loving you
and i love your prowess and the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone


"New shoes"
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.


"Jenny dont be hasty"
Oh, Jenny you are crazy!
First I'm perfect, then I'm lazy
And I was calling you my baby

and this video is just.... fun. :)


ok. go find the rest yourselves.
^_^

Divorced... congrats?

So... I got divorced today.
My boyfriend's getting divorced tomorrow.
We're having a divorce party.
Some people find this... um... weird.
Well... news flash.. I'm a tad weird. :P

So why am I celebrating?
I mean... divorce is like a death... it's the end of something good... so it's bad, right?
I know... I used to believe that was true.. once upon a time.
I used to believe that staying married, staying together no matter what, was the right way... it was good... it was for the best.
I believed that you could talk things out, that love lasts forever, that my trust would never be betrayed... that I was loved completely.
Now, I can't believe that I was ever that young and naive...

I know when I stopped believing.
It was 31 July 2008. I was pregnant... about 10 weeks.
I had been in bed for weeks with anxiety and depression from work stress but I was glowing.
I loved being pregnant.
I hadn't told the "real" world yet, but my baby existed online in my StumbleUpon world. It was known as Baby Rose. I just knew it was a girl. I named her after my beloved grandmother. I was going for my first scan the following week to confirm.
I was turning 29 the following day, 1 August.

Despite all of this... I felt uneasy in my own house.
My husband was online all the time.
Now, this isn't usually a problem for me, as I'm an internet addict...
But.. there was something that had changed in him.
He didn't act like... well, like a happy father-to-be.
I tried my very best to ignore my inner voice... that nagging feeling that "this isn't right."
Anyway... I found out that he was having an intimate relationship with a female friend overseas. She had just got divorced and cried on his shoulder. A cry then turned into a kiss. This was all virtual, but I know how real that can feel.

Well, when I found out.. I was completely crushed.
I literally felt my heart break... and my baby cried with me.
And after everything I had done to try and rescue our relationship...
I had gone to personal therapy (because I thought I was the problem...). We had done some couples counselling (but I was still the problem...).
I ignored friends that were unduly influencing me to leave my husband and go after silly dreams... like being happy just being me... and maybe be with someone that I didn't have to convince to have babies with me.... silly stuff like that..

Anyway... after the scan, I found out that I lost the baby that night.
I already knew... so, when the gynae told me, I was numb.
My husband... well... he did nothing. He said nothing. Which is not unusual, as he didn't speak much.. but... FFS... I needed him.
Eventually, I just switched off from the world. I was dead inside.
I was in bed for another month. I felt that I had nowhere to go... but a place was found.
I moved out to my aunt's place... I went back to my husband.... we spoke... we went to family braais... I went back to my aunt.. I stayed at friend's... I drank.

The last straw... was December 2008.
I found a visa.. to Netherlands.. where the lady friend was.
So... the relationship had continued... all this time... all the time he'd said... he said he loved me. He lied.
Did I mention she had two children? And yet he didn't want one child with me...
It didn't matter anymore. I left... for the last time.
The next day I filed for divorce.... and he left to go play in the snow.

He came back two months later, and I had moved the rest of my personal belongings out.
We agreed to an amicable divorce and were just going to split everything 50:50 like responsible adults. No hard feelings.
Months later... and he had not supplied us with ANY information.
Instead, we were arguing over which dvd's were his.

In June 2009, I went over to dispense with the petty stuff.
Which cup do you want? Can I have the bedroom curtains? Silly stuff like that.
During our "discussion", the issue of the house came up.
He was living in it with his parents. I said that we'd probably have to sell it to settle the bond. He refused. But... we have to? He refused... and then told me to leave HIS house.
I laughed. He didn't.
He started pushing me out the living room.
He then asked for the garage remote key.
I refused.. and he got angry.
Long story short, he then twisted my arm, threatened my life, threatened to burn down the house.. and basically scared the shit out of me.
The assault charge is now postponed to February 2010.

So.. yeah.. since then.... I lost a bit of faith.
I've really tried to make this work.
I've really tried to be the person he needed me to be.
Just being me was never ever good enough...
But now I KNOW it is.
And I have people that know it too.

I don't know what the future will hold.
I don't know whether I'll be better off financially.
I don't know if I'll ever get married again or ever have children.
I'll miss my house and my cups and curtains...
But I'm happy being "just ani".

So.. yes.. congratulate me on finally letting go of a man I used to love... a man that taught me a lot... a man that has hurt me... but a man that can't hurt me anymore.

yay ani!
^_^

You spin me right round baby, right round...

I LOVE Stumbleupon.
I find the most weird and wonderful things there all the time. I try to share links with my non-SU friends via Facebook and Twitter, but you really have to experience it for yourself.

Anyway, my latest find is Sophie Madeleine.
She plays the ukulele. Yes, the ukulele.
Now, the first time I was struck by the sound of the ukulele was by this gorgeous fellow. What a beautiful person.. inside and out. :)



So.. I've been listening to a lot of Sophie during my on-again-off-again "it's complicated" (well, for one of us, apparently) thing with the boy. So.. here are some lyrics that have been bouncing around my head lately.
Hold on to your hats, folks... it's a bumpy ride. ;)


I could tame the wildest animals with just one stare.
I'd even take my chances with a polar bear.
I could be in mortal danger but I wouldn't care
If I could take your love with me.



You lie awake just singing the blues all night. Goody, goody
And you think that love's a barrel of dynamite
Hooray and hallelujah, You had it coming to ya
Goody, goody for her, goody, goody for me
And I hope you're satisfied you rascal you



I want to be in your profile picture...



Pic by anitab79

Now I'm trying hard to stop you running circles in my brain.
But every lyric that I hear contains the letters of your name.
Since you left me all I think of is the music we once knew,
and I just can't stop myself from hearing love songs about you.

*sigh*
g'night.

champagne and pink drinks

Time for an update on last weekend's fun.
Actually, it's way past time, but I've been busy thinking about moving out of the country.
*sigh* It's not an easy decision... and having such an awesome weekend in this amazing city just makes the decision even more difficult to make. But no one ever said this would be easy...

Anyway, last Saturday was one of those glorious Cape Town summery days. I was invited by my cousin to a birthday picnic at Kirstenbosch Gardens.
I absolutely LOVE Kirstenbosch and I go there as often as I can. It's really one of the most beautiful and serene spots in Cape Town. With the sun out, and after our recent rains, the gardens were bright and colourful and full of life.
It really felt like Spring Was HERE! :)

It turned out that none of the family could make it... so I was kinda on my own. But I soon started chatting to some people, and it was really a lovely vibe. I think the strawberries and champagne may have has something to do with that... ;) Regardless, I had a great time sitting in the sun, surrounded by gorgeous greenery and left there in a rather giddy state.

Next, I was off to see my #pinkdrink ladies at the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town. It was also a "Welcome back al_ice" party after her (too long) trip to Joburg.
It was my first time there, and it really is a very swish place... but the staff were very friendly and accommodating and we had a great time.
Pink drinks were ordered, food was eaten and lots of catching up was done.
I can't believe that these ladies were complete strangers only a couple of months ago. I met them via twitter and since then, they've been an amazing source of love and support.
Thank you ladies... you guys are the best thing since.. um.. twitter! lol!

Sunday was the Portuguese Festival at the V&A Waterfront.
It was ok. :/
I guess it was a bit of a downer because I really wanted to share it with some friends.
Seeing my ex-boyfriend's evil ex there didn't really improve my mood...
But... the food was good. It always is.
And I had a few drinks.. in front of my mother.
It's the little things in life sometimes... ;)
I will have to find those pics and upload them later...

So.. that was it.
Oh.. I also attended a party on Friday.
Lots of stairs in high high heels makes ani grr grr.
The drinks were expensive. The music was too loud.
But the late night coffee afterwards made me forget most of that. :)

I think I should probably take a break this weekend.
I have so much that I still need to do...
Just thinking about it, drives me to drink.
Oh well... if I'm gonna drink, let it be pink!

And yes... I'm ok.
I think.
xx