Life is long

I am part of the 90's "meh" generation.
I was a grunge girl... "oh well, whatever, nevermind" was our cry.
We were young, spotty rebels without a freaking clue.
Every generation has their reckless youth... and ours was no different, I guess.
The "live fast, die young" attitude was used an excuse for some pretty stupid activities. It doesn't matter, right? Life is short... try everything once... do whatever feels good to you. Right?
Well... no.
As you grow up, you realise that there are consequences to your actions.
Sometimes... life long consequences.

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
— Chris Rock

I often despair at my generation. Why are we so self absorbed?
Perhaps the excesses of the 80's was the beginning of the "me" generation.
Having too much of everything made us feel like we were owed everything.
We just have to look at the rapid growth of Web 2.0 sites. It's all about me.
MySpace was the beginning... and look how quickly that disintegrated into a masturbatory mess.
However, pretty soon everyone (and their mother) was blogging, Facebooking and Tweeting.
Do we ever shut up about ourselves?

And yes.. I've stayed away from blogging for a very long time because I hate how self indulgent it can be. The constant introspection and self-analysis cannot be healthy. Yes, I know we pay therapists now to just talk to us about ourselves... but, in the hands of immature kids, it's a dangerous practice.
While I love the freedom that true open honest discussion gives us, is it really ok to just say whatever you want whenever you want to say it? Are there any consequences to our actions?

This isn't an attack on bloggers... it's not about the medium. It's about our intentions.
You don't have to believe in karma to be aware that all our actions, big and small, have some effect on our world.
Everything that we do or say has repercussions.
Life is long.
Think before you act.
And maybe think of others before you think of your own needs and wants and desires.
You are important and you deserve the best... but we all need each other.
Life is serious business but we all make mistakes along the way.
One bit of good news is that no matter how many times we stumble through life... it does go on.
And, with a bit of help from our friends, the burden is shared and eased.
Just ask.
I'll be there.
xx


Pic link

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Foolish games

Don't tell anyone... but I still think about you... every single day.
It's been about six weeks now.
I don't know what you're up to.
I don't know who you are, and, yes, I'm sorry, but perhaps I never did.
I've stayed away from you, your friends... your life.
My life has gone on... I've been good.
But I miss you.
And I think about you.
Every.
Single.
Day.

It's hard... but I keep reminding myself that I never did make you happy.
We both desperately wanted and needed to love each other unconditionally... but we never could.
I wish we didn't hurt each other when neither one of us wanted that.
I don't know why we felt like we needed to keep trying to make it work, when it just didn't.
I know all of this... and we both know a lot more that will never get discussed...
But I still miss you.

I hope that you're ok.
I wish... that things could've been better.
I wish I could've... been better.
I wish you could've... been stronger.
I love you.
I wish I didn't.
It would make things so much easier...
I've tried hating you... but we both know that it's not true.

Anyway... this means nothing... and it doesn't matter.
It's over... and I'm tired of playing this game.
Good night.
x

Chopped Liver

I'm not quite sure how it started.
Who told you that you weren't worth it? That you weren't good enough for the very best that life has to offer?
And why... oh why do you insist on believing this and keep telling yourself the same thing?
If we look long enough, we can always find people and things to blame.
Perhaps no one is to blame... it is what it is?
We all need to learn our lessons in our own way.
But I'm not settling for anything less than WOW.
I deserve 100% of your time, energy and effort. If you think I don't.. then you need to go. Go now.

Never ever ever again... will this girl be anything less than number one.

That is all.

Jy is cooler as ekke

[reference: Jack Parow. This post is for South Africans only as I speak in Afrikaans.]

Ja. Jy is.
I've just never ever been cool.
Well, there was that brief moment in time when my youngest cousin thought I was awesomer than awesome.
Although back then, we didn't use the word awesome. I think I was kiff. Ja. Net so.
But she was young and impressionable... so... I dont think that counts.

About the only thing that made me cool was that I was, like.. so grunge, man.
I wore black all the time. Even had black nail polish AND lipstick. Hardcore, bitches. *giggle*
I even went vegetarian for a bit (that's pretty damn hardcore for a porra, ok?).
And I knew everything... about everything. Ah, to be sixteen again... ;)

Other than that, I was never cool at school.
To everyone else, I was a chubby boffin nerd and, worst of all, a "good girl".
Yep, I didn't smoke, drink or have sex when I was in high school.
No drugs either. I just watched. Yes, really.
I always did what I was told.
Mother said: Do whatever your teacher tells you to do. And I did.
I did all my homework, passed all my tests... was a good little girl. Always.
You can see how this was an epic disaster waiting to happen, right?

Anyway, even with all the smarts, I'm not geeky enough to qualify for geek cool.
I know a lot of geeky stuff... mainly because I spend a lot of time online.
I know about lolcats and internet memes and how to tweet and blog.
I know that the cake is a lie , Cthulhu is lord and master of all and the Flying Spaghetti Monster saves.
But I still love M$. I'm sorry.. but I do.
And although I now have Ubuntu on my laptop, I still pronounce Linux wrong (Lie-nux instead of Lih-nux).
It sucks. I'm geeky enough to be an online addict but not geeky enough to roll with the real geeks. I should really learn computers...

Other than that, I've always lived in da norf. Ja, beyond the boerewors curtain.
And, like, not even in the cool part of da norf. That would be D'ville, you Southern Suburb Snobs. Meh.
I've lived in Woodstock, Maitland (the horrors), Goodwood (shut it), Bellville (SUID!) and Parow. Ja. Fokken Peh-row. I KNOW, ok?!
Anyway, it's fine. At least I keep it real. Actually, no... I just feel like I dont belong anywhere. Very frustrating.

What else makes me not cool?
Well.. I LURVE silly crap.. like Hello Kitty... and My Little Pony... and butterflies. So gay. :P
Talking about gay... I should really be a gay man. I'd kick ass. (Oh, stop giggling.)
Music: 70's and 80's trash, Madonna, George Michael, ABBA. Yep, I have no shame.
I watch Oprah... and Dr Phil. If I could, I'd watch E-Entertainment channel all day.
I drive a Tazz.
I don't wear jeans.
I'm unemployed.
I think Die Antwoord is stupid.
I like the Parlotones.
I've answered a personal ad.
I can't tweet on my phone!

Argh... This is so liberating.
Now you know some of my secret shame.
I dont think I'll ever be cool... and that's really ok.
I'm pretty happy with my quirks.
Anyway.. don't panic. And don't unfriend me! :P
I do have some standards.
At least I don't own Crocs.
*chuckles to herself*

Stumbling through Relationships

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*
^_^.

Funerals, babies and grandmothers

*started writing Monday, 15 February*

It's been a bit of a weird day.
My mother just told me this morning that there would be a funeral later today.
The funeral was for a very close family friend that has been fighting cancer for many many years.
Last week, my mother went to visit her... and just knew.. the end was nigh.
I wasn't expecting to have such an emotional response to it... but here I am... being emotional.

Firstly, this was an amazing woman... so full of life and love and passion.
My mother and her grew up together in Portugal and found each other again in Woodstock (Cape Town) decades later.
We didn't meet often, but when we did.. there was so much love between everyone.
Whenever I met her, she enveloped me with generous hugs and kisses. She made sure that the people she loved knew how she felt.
There is a bit more intricate family history... but suffice to say that she is a close family friend and she will be sorely missed by many people.
RIP Arlindina. xxx

During the service, there was lots of talk about her role as a loving mother. I think that was the part that got to my mother... and me.
When my mother lost her mother, it was a huge loss for her that she will probably never fully recover from. I think you can survive almost anything that life throws at you... but my mother doesn't WANT to. She misses her mother.. she needs her mother.. and, without her, she feels that her life is empty.
I can't say that I will ever be able to understand... until I lose my mother.
Wondering what that would feel like... lead to a lot more emotion than I was prepared for.
But wait.. there's more... *sigh*

I do miss my grandmother too... very very much.
We had a very special bond. I practically lived with her for a few years after a brutal attack at my parents' shop when I was about two. I was too scared to go back to the shop so I stayed with her in Woodstock while my parents worked. Also, during my primary school days, I would often go to her house after school.

Of course... these memories are tainted with memories of my step-grandfather.
I've spent far too many years in therapy and in depression to still have these horrible thoughts about him.
But.. I've been told (nods to Adin) that you cant control your thoughts. So.. I guess all I can do is watch them and try to understand why they're there.
I'm not prepared to discuss that man right now... but I do still hate him.
I thought that I had forgiven him for the things that he did... I don't know anymore.
But I still hate the fact that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my grandmother. He took her away from me.. and I needed her in my life.
I still do.

She was an amazing woman: strong, spiritual, funny, sweet.. generous with all that she had.
We would shop together, sow together, cook together, work in the garden together... pray together.
I also believe that she was a healer. Being a traditional Catholic Portuguese woman, she worked within her frame of reference, but I have seen her use touch therapy to heal sick people.
There were many people that would go see her to be healed.
She was the inspiration to explore the healing arts myself.

She was also the inspiration for my unborn baby.
I'm sorry.. I know that it's silly and ridiculous to still be mourning a 10 week old fetus.
I know there are people that mourn real tragedies... newborn babies, toddlers, real people that die.... *sigh* but still.
I named my baby Rose after my grandmother Rosa. It only really "lived" online in my stumbleupon world... but it lived.
So, yes.. the funeral touched a bit of a nerve around that.
Questions about whether I will ever be a mother still plague me.
Fears that I probably killed my own child still haunt me.
Sadness that it was probably never meant to be... still lingers.
And yes... I wonder if my ex-husband feels any of this pain.
If he ever really cared... If I made the right decision...
What if... what if.. what if...

So.. with all of this...
here I sit.

With these thoughts and fears and tears...
from deep dark places that I dont want to look at...
here I sit.

Here I breathe.
Here... I look up.
Here and now...
I carry on
And keep on walking.

xx