No more fear

Part 1:

You are bigger than me... a giant monster of a man.
You are older... but not wiser.
You know some things.. like how to scare a little child.
You are hairy... everywhere.. and you smell like cheap wine.
You are selfish... and evil... I hate everything about you.
I hate who you are and what you did.
I felt ugly and stupid.. and scared.
I secretly smiled when you died.
And I still keep your secret.
You don't deserve that.

Part 2:

You used to adore me... and then you stopped.
I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.. but I could only be me.
I left you... and you were angry... very angry.
You pushed me around and forced me to listen to you.
You promised to take everything away from me, including my life.
You lied... to me, to my family, the law and to yourself.
You think that you've won... but I pity you.
I am walking away but I still feel trapped.
I am still scared.
I hate that.
I hate you.

Part 3:

You lied to me... just as you lie to yourself.
I told the the truth and you told me to shut up.
You then forced me to shut up.
This time, I had the strength to walk away.
You are nothing.


Never again... will any man make me fear.
Never again.. will I be held down, shut down, put down.
Never. Ever. Again.


Pic Link: Fear
Please Note: The above is merely my opinion and my experience. Nothing will be removed.
And I am by no means a "battered woman".. but have had a few scary experiences. That is all.

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

I don't know

From an old group post on Stumbleupon:

The Edge

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love

Can't speak

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

can't speak

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

everybody scream

just thought i'd let you know.
x

It's not you

It's me.



And I want this...




How difficult is that to understand?

Grrr!!!

The mirror has more than two faces

Im-Corrupt

Have you ever been to DecoDance? It's a cool retro type club that plays 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's music. I dont think I've ever boogied to the Beatles in a club before. I had a really great time there on Saturday night with some new and old friends. We were on the dance floor for almost 5 hours non-stop! Fun. :)

So, in between the fun and madness of the dance floor, we did take some small breaks. The walls are all mirrored. I looked at my big red face in the mirror... and laughed. My hair was a mess, I was sweaty hot and I had that naughty, crazy look in my eyes... the one where I'm so full of confidence that I just say whatever I feel like. Pretty scary, but, honestly... it's probably the happiest that I've been in a very long time.

I was reminded of the last painful time that I was there.. Halloween 2009. I was probably smiling and did have a good time with my friends... but I felt sick and broken inside. I remember my cousin putting on my make-up that evening... and I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I felt so ugly, unwanted and rejected... and all over a silly boy.

moOnxinha

There were many other times when I avoided the mirror. Last year this time when I was alone and that horrible year of 2008 when I felt alone, I often looked at myself, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I couldn't see anything good in the mirror beyond the tears.

Thankfully... I had other mirrors that showed me the truth. I had friends that looked at me and saw more in me than I ever could at the time. Through their eyes, I was beautiful, loving, caring, funny... strong. They never stopped showing me my true face, forcing me to see what was real. With their eyes as my mirrors... I slowly became brave... and looked again.

The rest, as you should know, is history (just go read the rest of the blog! :P). Some friends have come and gone... and I do miss them... but I'm still surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving people. I am grateful every time that I'm in their presence. Their love gives me immeasurable strength to carry on.. to keep smiling... to fight for the very best because I deserve it. Through their eyes... I see a "me" that I love.

And yes, I know that I can't rely on other people to feel good about myself. I dont. I really am getting to a place where I am ok with me. More than ok... I'm freaking awesome. :P

Looking at the mirror today.. I just know.
I know.
I hope you know it too.
And if you forget.. I will remind you.
xx

Mothers and daughters

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,
Anita
xxx