Lessons from a cat

We dont really have cats. We have these stray cats that have kinda decided to make our garden their home. And my mom feeds them so... they haven't gone away.

But they're not really our pets... they dont have names, they dont let us pet them, they dont come inside (unless they want to steal food from the kitchen or scratch my mom's curtains).
But still.. they've become a part of the family... like a second cousin twice removed... we know each other, but we dont do hugs.


Anyway, so we've dubbed one of them "Tiger" because um.. she looks like a tiger.
She was always my favourite and is really a beauty with her brown and orange stripes.
But she's pretty vicious and prone to hiss at us if we try to approach her. She is the wildest one in the bunch and not very social with the other cats, choosing to keep to herself mostly.
I love her anyway. :) (Gee, I wonder why...?)

Tiger Kitten by ~Jinx-Pantax-Kun

One of the other cats has had some kittens. One of them died inexplicably, but the surviving kitten is a gem. She's a pretty little fluffy grey kitten and, since she's still small, I can pick her up and play with her. Although she really just wants to sleep most of the time. Aww.. too cute for words.

Since the little one has lost her sibling, she's been pouncing on the other cats, looking for someone to play with. The other cats just tolerate the little one, but, we've been amazed to see Tiger's response to her.
It looks like the vicious and feisty Tiger has become a bit of a big sister to the little one. Actually, she seems more like a surrogate mom the way they always sleep together.
It looks like the baby has tamed the wild tiger.

*pause*

Somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear my ex-husband telling me I wouldn't be a good mother. He had some good reasons: I'm pretty disorganised sometimes (even for an accountant), I'm not a great housekeeper (couldn't even keep my house after my divorce!) and a whole bunch of other things that I try not to remember.

I wonder why I do still remember.. and why I let myself believe that for such a long time.
When I did eventually fall pregnant... I was petrified.. but I knew I loved Little Rose much more than I ever thought I could.
And that was enough.
I knew I was enough... because I loved her... completely.
I would be better, do better... do anything... for her.
Alas, it wasn't to be, but.... I did become a better person.
I left the man that made me feel that I would never be enough.
Even now, with this kitten in my lap and nothing else to my name, I'm better than I was.

*rowr*

Well, back to Tiger... I really loved seeing the change in her.
And I love seeing the change in me.
And I know.. one day... I will be tamed...
by the right person, at the right time...
and maybe just maybe...
I'll be a momma cat.

*purr*

Tiger by ~fennecx

A reason to stay

I've been reading a few other bloggers "30 days of Truth" blogs. I did mine in 30 minutes. 
One of the questions was: "Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life?" 


I just came across this link on Facebook from someone I would never guess had ever been through depression or even considered suicide. There are many things that people say to be nice, to be kind, to try to help... but, I'm afraid most of them feel more like a way to make you shut up. 


I've heard some of these lines... 
 “Have you tried camomile tea?”
“You don’t *look* depressed!
"Go out and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”

“Why don’t you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you’ll feel better.”

One of the big ones are: You need something to look forward to, something to hold onto. 

I'm very happy for moms and dads that have kids that "pulled them through" the dark parts of their life. And everyone has these amazing friends and family that are "there for them"... 

I'm very happy for you. 

But what if you don't have that.

Well, obviously you rely on you. 

And that just sucks.

30 Days of Truth

So, everyone in SA blogging land is doing this meme. I decided to do it all in one post...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
My body.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
My sometimes twisted, sometimes dark, sometimes dorky sense of humour.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Letting some people down.


Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I think I've forgiven everyone I was angry with and that hurt me.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Make a difference.... maybe even leave the world a better place.
 
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Lose a child.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
No one in particular.. but people seem to pop up when I need them.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
The men I used to love. All of them.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I used to hold onto people for longer than I needed to. I'm getting better at letting things go when their time is up. No regrets on that.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
No one in my life right now.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
I dont remember those types of things. Refer Day 2.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I've never been told I should be a supermodel. Refer Day 1.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keyes, Mariza. Sing it, sisters.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Dont think I have any. I admire people for just being real.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
The Internet. Seriously... I've tried. I NEED to be connected...

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Oh, lots of irritating and stupid people but it's not very nice to name and shame. I just quietly ignore... mostly. Or rant about it on Twitter. ;)

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hmm.. so many. I'll pick Supernature by Lyall Watson because I liked the link he made between nature and the supernatural. It lead me onto an interesting exploration of science and "new age stuff" when I was about 18. These days, I'm far too cynical to believe in anything, though.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Go for it. Though I'm actually rather anti-marriage in general.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Religion is the opium of the masses. Great for other people, I guess... just leave me out of it.
And politics is great entertainment... as long as they dont have too much power to influence my life.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I have never done any drugs. None. Ever.
Alcohol is ok although I really dont like the taste. I still prefer cooldrinks.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Get to the hospital. Bygones.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Wasted time and money at university.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Wish I'd hopped on a plane and left everything when I had the chance.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
This will take too long... some other time. But I might just play "waka waka" for @al_ice ;)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I haven't done anything yet... though I'm not sure how many more chances I'll be given.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes, often. Because I dont know what to do with myself, mainly. And, sometimes because the pain seems more than the good stuff.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um... my sense of humour. Keeps me sane-ish.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I'd have to find me a donkey and get myself to Bethlehem, I guess.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Would be nice if I was nicer to myself. Working on it.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Refer Day 2 and Day 27. That's it, ok?

A look back at Masks

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.

The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.

However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.

It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.

How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.

How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?

Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...
....
so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.



and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.

When will I ever learn?!

xx

The Secret

The Secret by =Eibo-Jeddah

this is what i like about poetry.

and hope.

and you.

Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of
poetry.

I, who don't know the
secret, wrote
the line. They
told me

(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
not even

what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the secret,

the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
for finding what
I can't find,

and for loving me
for the line I wrote,
and for forgetting it
so that

a thousand times, till death
finds them, they may
discover it again, in other
lines

in other
happenings. And for
wanting to know it,
for

assuming there is
such a secret, yes,
for that
most of all.

~Denise Levertov 

The Ugly Duckling

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto this video but wow.. I remember it well. Good memories. :)

I have a soft spot in my heart for the little ugly duckling. Of course, I've always felt like one... not just in the "ugly" part (really, spare me the platitudes) but also the "not fitting in anywhere" part.

As a kid, I would wonder about my dear family and imagine great scenes of being switched at birth. Even now, watching them enjoying the WWE wrestling marathon on TV makes me question my origins. But we learn to live with our families and their quirks... eventually. At least you can choose your friends.... ha!

But still, even with friends, I dont quite fit into any group. Throughout my life, I've always done things just a little bit differently to everyone else. So, when I did the goth thing, I painted my nails blue instead of black. At university, I was the only BCom(Acc) student that did "The Sociology of Human Reproduction" for extra credit. I can head bang to death metal and, afterwards, very happily groove to a Michael Jackson tune.

I know... I'm a little weird like that. I dont regret any of these things and I'm glad that I'm now brave enough to express myself in any way that I choose. There are people around me that have enough heart to just let me be me. But still...

It would be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. It would be nice to know that someone needs you. It would be pretty freaking awesome if someone wanted you, without needing anything from you.

*breathes*

It would be nice... to be a duck. 

from Wikipedia

Friends through the ages

I've always had a difficult time defining what a real friend is.

It's very easy to make friends as a kid. You both like My Little Pony and Take That (oh, dont judge me :P), you tell each other secrets and you share your lunch at school. I miss primary school.

 

And then high school happens. As friends, you bond over people you hate (the blonde "Debbie's") and music that you love (Nirvana & Pearl Jam). You try to fit in and then you try to be independent. You're a kid, trying to be an adult. For the first time, you fight and stand up for yourself. The other girls gossip, some people take sides, and sometimes friends break up. High school girls are mean.

Once all that drama is over, hopefully you're able to go out into the world and find out who you are. You can develop your own tastes in music, without looking at what's cool (I like the Parlotones, OK?!).  You can choose who you want to spend your time with. You dont have to try to "fit in" or hang around people you dont really like. But do you? 

I've found that most people "in the real world" still act very much like high school. They hang out with people that are "cool" and are so afraid to be themselves lest they get kicked out of the group. I've always loved the online world because I can choose my circle of friends with one click of a button. I've realised that other people cant be that "ruthless" and will hold onto "friends" for all sorts of reasons other than real friendship. 

As much time as I spend online, I know very clearly who my real friends are. I pay no attention to the numbers game on the various social networks because I can count on my hands the number of people that I really trust and love. Included in that number are people that I've never met on the other side of the world and some that I haven't spoken to in months. All the people I've encountered have had some impact on my life and I treasure them for it.

 

In the real world, it's much more difficult to meet new people. I've relied on Twitter for my social network and it's been fun for a while. But, right now, I need to have more quality than quantity. I understand that it takes a lot more time and effort and I understand that. I'm not an easy person to get to know but if you want to know me, just ask.  I'm feeling just a little jaded by some bad things that have happened, but I'll try not to bite.

So this is my new criteria for friendship: You dont need to like the same music I like. You don't need to share your lunch or even hate the people I hate. All you really need to do is learn to understand and know me, be honest with me at all times and make me laugh. Ok, and you can also buy me a drink once in a while. ;)

*edit: miss you alice. xx
(and boni and sollune and dsc)