Letting go

I have some issues. Letting go is one of them.
This weekend, I was cut off from technology. This isn't the first time it's happened but every time it happens, I do panic a little and realise how much I rely on that virtual connection.
I realise how tightly I hold onto things and people... and stuff. So much STUFF!

I've become better and better at letting go. After my separation and divorce, I have learned to let go of all the stuff I accumulated over those five years. Yes, I still wish I had my cups and plates and duvet sets I carefully picked out for our home... but I can live without them.

Next weekend I need to chuck my ex husband out of my house and I'm a little scared/worried about all that stuff just being tossed aside. I shouldn't... but I do. I want it to mean something.... I hate feeling like it was all for nothing and now I have nothing.

However, the stuff is easier to let go of than people. It's been difficult, but I have let go of a few people that made me feel less than awesome. I dont need any cheerleaders but I would like friends that think I am the bee's knees. I dont really have that right now... and it bothers me a bit. But I have to believe that getting rid of the old will help bring in some new blood, so to speak.

I've also been shown how tightly I hold onto what I want.. and forget that sometimes I should let go of "want" and accept "this is what you need." How very buddhist. :P And sometimes it's more about "this is what you need to learn." It's a bit painful.... but I think I'm getting it.

I dont know if this will make sense to anyone... but I feel like something is changing.
I need to learn important lessons about love and life.... and I love how the people around me at the moment are challenging some of my old beliefs around that.
I'm a little excited.
I love the way my heart is a little bit more open than it used to be.
By letting go of the crap, you can let a whole lot of love in.
Happiness is.
:)

The boy and the shoes

Shoes by ~voorikvergeet

There once was a girl that had some shoes.
The shoes hurt her feet but she carried on walking with her friend up a mountain.
She made it all the way to the top and spent some magical moments in rock pools with the friend.
On the way back, she had to stop because her feet were hurting so bad.
The very kind friend (a boy) offered the girl his shoes and he would wear hers.
The girl protested but, after a few more painful steps, she tried on his shoes.
They fit and they both walked off together down the mountain.
The boy soon removed his shoes and walked barefoot instead.
The boy hurt his feet on the rocky mountain.... but never once complained.
The girl... was very grateful....and was in awe of his kindness and generosity.
She was also, despite all her protests, fallling into serious "like" all over again with the boy.

This could be trouble.
But she didn't care.

~anib

Unintended

Riddle me this.

How do you go from this.....
 

 to this...

????

Life goes on... but yeah... some things still suck.
#thatisall

Going on holiday

The last time I went away on holiday was in December 2008 with my friend to her family home on the Vaal River in Sasolburg. Since then I've been through a pretty horrible couple of years... getting divorced, being unemployed and generally trying to sort my life out.


So I cant express how ecstatic I am to be going on holiday this Christmas. It will be my first time away from my family for Christmas and New Years so it will be a little sad (for my mom :P). But I'm really very excited.

I'll be flying to Durban airport on Thursday evening and then driving to Sodwana Bay with a friend. I'll be staying at Natural Moments and will hopefully go on a dive at Sodwana Bay and visit Lake Sibaya. There are also a couple of special people I'd like to see in Sodwana and I cant wait to finally meet them.

We will be going to Ponta de Ouro (Place of Gold) in Mozambique for New Year's Eve and I have a dolphin swim planned at Dolphin Encounters for the 2 January. So excited!!!!  

It's actually a very short trip but it's going to be lots of fun.
Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year's to all.
xx

Spotlight

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Just because you think I might find somebody worthy oh oh oh

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Baby if you treat me right, you won’t have to worry

I was on a boat on the Vaal River in Sasolburg when I decided that this was the song. This was the song that said it all. This was the reason I left my marriage in 2008. This was what I didn't want anymore: to be in someone's shadow.

But, for some reason, I did it again... and again.
The truth is, I'm petrified of the spotlight.

Spot light by leepro

There's an element of laziness to it. It's easier to hide in the shadows.
There's definite fear. Putting yourself "out there" means you could get hurt.
There's a clear anxiety that I'll make mistakes and everyone will then know I'm not perfect. OMG...!

*breathes*

But still...
I keep trying.
I keep demanding and wanting more.
Despite the fear, I keep fighting for my piece.
I want my light.. and not just a moment.
I want a place and I want it all.

It still hurts

 

It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.

*breathes*

It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.


A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*



+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.