The old days

I stumbled onto this and realised... five years ago was a very long time ago. 

And although some things change... some things dont.
And maybe some people could see who I was before I even knew who it myself. :)

Sometimes I miss nice.

Sometimes I miss wearing my heart on my sleeve.

But I know I do miss old SU a LOT. 

xx

Above reviews were from xineann and b-bear from the old StumbleUpon. 

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

Losing

So after Monday's tingly feelings... we went out... had some fun (not that kind of fun) and landed up as friends. I should be ok with that... but I'm just not.

I feel like I've lost something

This isn't about any "him".

I feel like I've lost something more important: a bit of hope, the ability to trust completely, the capacity to love and be loved.

And I really hate how familiar this feeling feels.

Image used with permission from the photographer. 

Words from Elizabeth Bishop

Tingled

I'm feeling tingled.

It's a good feeling... :)
It's a little bit of nervous excitement mixed with hope and endless possibilities.
And a healthy dose of fear and anxiety, of course.
I'm feeling tingled with the possibility of maybe... possibly... a love interest.

I can honestly say that it's been a while since I've had a serious maybe. I am so tired of games and no strings and complicated stories. I just want someone to like me. All of me. Just me.

It's been a long while. So I'm obviously super cautious. And, it seems, so is he.

And I could just be running away with this possibility without really thinking about it too much .... but I kinda like being run away with.

I guess I will have to check with the guy and see what he says. I could just ask and end the wondering. Or maybe it's enough to just have a maybe.
Maybe.
I dont know.
God, I hate being 16. ;)

Just A Kiss. by ~AnaKidd

In other news.. check out snail sex.

~anib

PS: yay! :)

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

Oh December

Happy 2013. :)
We're halfway through January already and I'm still trying to wrap my head around December 2012. So much has happened.... I dont even know where to start.

I guess the best place to start is my friends', AJ and Caryn, wedding. It was in Franschoek. It was really hot and a bit different than normal weddings (think zombies, burlesque and heavy metal) but still a really good day. I went with my friend Yvette, expecting to know no one else there. I managed to meet so many people that I knew from very different parts of my life... as far apart as twitter's tequila club and close friends of my family. That's Cape Town for you - everyone knows everyone.

I somehow magically transformed into a little bit of a social butterfly (I have these moments occasionally), chatting to everyone and getting to meet some new people. I met the very hippy and lovely Psy who I had recognised from some trance parties. We spoke about some of the parties we had been to and he spoke about his horrible experience with someone at Groovy Troopers. I shared a similar experience about the man-child and he gave me the best hug in the world. So, of course, we became instant friends and agreed to go to the next party together. I know, right? :)

We went to the End of the World party on the 21st. He kindly offered to drive us there and found the best place on the farm for our tent. He introduced me to his "psy family" - a group of really cool people that congregate in the "crystal tent". It was a loving environment and I was having such an amazing time. It was super chilled with no set agenda of what we had to do. Just being there, enjoying the music and the vibe was enough. I was happy.

I was also thinking of the man-child as this was my first trance party without him and even considered phoning him on the first night... but I didnt. Still, I did see him the next day. I was initially happy to see him and hugged him and told him I missed him (we hadn't spoken in over a month). He was friendly but then very quickly started his drama so I took a step back and (literally and in every sense of the word) let... it... go. I'm done with that - completely and totally done.

"Let It Go" by Kenny Random

During the rest of the party, I felt so free and uninhibited. I was in a great, happy space... bouncing around meeting all kinds of lovely people. I handed out free hugs and sweeties and had the coolest chats with strangers. I bonded with a lovely, shy, super intelligent boy and did some fun things with a ginger who ignored me the next day. It was all good. Life was fun.

And then I went home. Family. Christmas. Food. Baby (not mine). Car broke down.

I went to another friend's wedding in Stellenbosch. I went with an old friend of mine and it was so good to catch up with her. I got to speak to her about everything that has been going on over the last couple of years, especially about my ex-husband and my dad. Other people seem to think that it's old news or that I should be over it by now. It felt good to talk about it. And it felt even better to still feel loved by someone I haven't really spoken to in years. Someone who knew me before everything...  someone who still believes in me. I was in grateful tears. I really needed that. *sigh*

I then went to Boomerang, the New Year's Eve trance party with Psy and my cousin and some of her friends. It was the MOST fun EVER! The BEST!! I managed to score the "best cousin" award with everyone. So many great memories... so many beautiful people... I loved it all.

And then... 2013.

Work. Money. Life. etc.

I'm glad that I'm back in therapy. I'm glad that I'm dreaming more and I'm glad that I've made some progress in my personal relationships. I still want to do more and be more...
But I think I could be on the right track.

December 2012... I will miss you.
January 2013? I guess I'll grow to like you.

Toodles.

~anib