Two years an Orphan

 Time, hey. It's quite a thing. 

It's been two years since my mom passed away... and it's also Mother's Day. I'll be driving back from Afrikaburn (hopefully), so this is pre-prepared. 

This was the eulogy prepared by my brother which was really just so beautiful and perfect. 

It's all a lot. Love anyway. <3

~~~~

We are very fortunate.

I say this because we live in an age where we can take photos at anytime..

When I looked at the photos of Mae on my phone, the photo frames at Anita’s house, the photos in our program and in the video in the church today - I, for one, am grateful that we have so many memories captured in time.

Looking at these beautiful photos and amazing life, I wondered where do I even start?

Perhaps we start in the beginning

She was a daughter. 

A caring daughter who helped her mom as they went from one end of the world to the other. Always by her side, helping her and the family.

She was a sister. 

The oldest sister of 11 children.

She was so caring and important as a big sister, that they viewed her as a “2nd mom”. Even calling her ” sister” rather than her name as a sign of respect.

Then, while belonging to this core family, she started a family of her own.

She was a loyal wife who went through thick and thin. Sticking to my dad;s side through sickness and health. 

Then she was a mother, the best mother one could have.

Nothing was too much for Mae. Ensuring we had the best with the little we had.

Then, would you believe it, she became an ouma. 

Just like with her brothers and sisters, her children and her new daughter in law - she loved every bit of her 2 grand children. 

On top of all this:

She was a friend. 

Many times total strangers would come up to us and then they would turn out to be friend’s with Mae. Just like her family, these friends were shown respect and love.

She was an absolute sports fan. 

Any sport, any time, she would watch it and have something to say. Everything I know about tennis, cricket and football actually came from watching games with her.

Then, most importantly, she was a true disciple of God.

Not only committed to going to church every Sunday but spreading the word of God as she lived her life.

When going to church became difficult, she continued spreading the Word and Love wherever she was. 

She had the knack to take the words of God and translate it in a way that would help the person she was talking to.

But back to the photos.

I could talk for days about her character and the impact she had in our lives.

In the photos, what I see, and what I would like you to see, is the Love she had for all of us.

She was Love.

But its not just about the words “I love you”, its about her actions:

Making sure you are okay.

Making sure you were safe.

Making sure you were fed.

Nothing was ever a problem for her.

It was even how she greeted you:

“Hello Sweetie”

“Hallo Querida”

And like she Loved us, God Loved her.

She was very peaceful in her last days, surrounded by God’s Love. That in turn, surround me with peace and being grateful for the time we had.

I heard someone said “she was one of a kind”

And yes, she was.

Thank you Mae for everything.

We love you.

Fala ‘tra vez.

On Being Medicated

 Depression? Kinda depressing, hey?  😂

Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(

I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.

My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.

I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. 

I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.

Take the meds. Speak to someone. 

There is help out there. Even if it's hard. 

It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.

k. bye.

~anib

Closer to Fine

🎵 Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. 🎵

Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!

But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. 

But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!

Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!

And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.

It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! 

And did I mention the pink?! 

Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:

I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white?
But the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
But there's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine, yeah 

Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!

*spoiler alert*

There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. My mom got me Dana when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. 

Ja hey...Moms. <3

Love n stuff.

~anib

2022 in Review

Another year gone... and I'm so very happy that this one is going away soon. 
Found these questions via Nafisa and I think they're pretty cool. So, let's go! 

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?
Travelled to Israel! What a trip. I missed my friend so much but I'm so glad I went. 

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I dont think I made any this year. It was a rough start to the year with an anxiety attack but I'm glad I'm now on medication for this.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Will hopefully be seeing the London fireworks... in London!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. So many people. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
Israel and flying to UK tomorrow!

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?
Joy. Happiness. Peace. Friends.

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
6 May. Getting the phone call from the hospital at 4am... the whole day was a lot.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I like just survived, hey? Managed to reach out and make some new friends. Kept trying to stay alive. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being on tiktok too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just mental illness but I got help for that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Very exciting waterproofing! OMG and a dishwasher! #adultingAF

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel! And medicine!

13. What song will always remind you of 2022?
Harry Styles – As It Was (Thanks TikTok)

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Cant think of anything...

16. What was your favourite TV program?
Rewatched the entire This is Us. So good and healing.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Ha. Trying not to.

18. What was the best book you read?
I dont read much. :(

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Harry Styles.

20. What was your favourite film of this year?
Encanto!

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Manicures and pedicures with my sister-in-law and nieces.

22. What kept you sane?
My home.

23. Who did you miss?
Friends.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Family of my best friend in Israel. 

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.
Life is too short. Ask for help.

Here's to 2023!
~anib
xx 

The Shadow of Death

The year 2022 contiues to take and take.

I need to do a few important RIPs because... this year has been a lot.

Mae

80 years old, 2 children and 2 grandchildren and second mom to her other 10 siblings.

Only got married at 37 which was quite a thing for '78. Met and married my dad in South Africa and lived here all the rest of her life after growing up in Madeira and working for a while in Maputo. 

Deeply religious and lived her life in service to others. Spent her whole life working in a shop in Maitland before retiring. Life hasn't always been kind or easy, but there was always a joke or laugh to be had. 

I hope you have peace and are finally free of all the aches and pains of life. <3 

Johnnie V

The Lightchaser from StumbleUpon days. But Johnnie to everyone. A truly kind and beautiful person. Once he found out what you liked, he would share a pretty image or song or joke to your wall on an almost daily basis. Always so so kind and so sweet. Much loved. So very missed. 

Adin VR aka The NoMoneyGuy

My online friend, the kick to my side-kick. The one with the big ideas and the crazy ideas and the big heart and the bigger smile. The one that always listens, tries to help and isn't afraid to ask for help. He helped me come out of my shell in 2010 and through his friendship, I met so many new and interesting people and leant so many things about myself. I cant even begin to explain the influence that he has on my life. Greatly loved by so many.... if you knew him, you know. 

Tyrone B

I heard about this quite late. What a horrible tragic way to die. Thank you for showing me the trance world. Thank you for pushing my buttons and showing me a side of me that I had forgotten about. I wish you peace.

Buckley

The cat that I adopted from my brother! He only stayed with me for a month before we found out he was sick. What a sweet boy you were. <3

Let's hope 2023 is kinder.

xx

~anib

May 2022

 This year. This month. Is it over yet?

A nice man once wrote a nice poem about being in love in May. I am starting to miss the warm embrace of romantic love... but my heart and soul isn't ready to love again. Like, any kind of love....

This month, it was my dad's 10 year death anniversary on 26 May. And my mom unexpectadly and suddenly passed away from pancreatic cancer on 6 May. She was supposed to come home that day... but she didn't make it. It's been such a lot. The price you pay for love... 

My family came from around the world - Australia, Portugal, UK and Johannesburg. My mom was the eldest of 11 children and a second mom to her brothers and sisters. It was a big loss to our entire family. The family came together once again to celebrate and laugh and cry... to eat. To love. It was good.

But the family have now all moved back home and we are all trying to live a new new new normal... because hey, we're still in a post-pandemic world. What even is normal anymore?

Everything is different. And Very Not Normal.

The price you pay for love.... is love.

This May month of sadness is almost over. 

I really hope the rest of this year will be kinder. 

With love.

~anib

Still 2020

 God damn. 

This year. 

God. 

Damn.

It's been over 200 days of lockdown in South Africa. We're on level 1 now and the "new normal" is working from home, wearing masks, hand sanitiser, no big public gatherings and much better home delivery services. It hasn't been all bad but it's been a lot. 

People have taken on different lockdown projects. I did a bit of baking, sort of gardened (weeding counts), lots of home improvement and cleaning (when I'm cleaning, you know I'm stressed...!). Oh and I went back to gym. The horror. But I'm trying!

Planning ahead is really difficult. We cant even plan for December holidays but I definitely do need a holiday. We're not sure if public gatherings (ie outdoor parties) are technically allowed, but there are some smaller ones being held. It's a mess but we all need our outlets. I went to a private indoor event last week and it was ok. We're waiting out the two weeks just to make sure. There was another small "super spreader" event at a local pub in Cape Town (Tin Roof, Claremont).... so it can happen easily. But you hedge your bets. It's a strange world.

So, a few other things happened. I got my first tetanus shot after a stupid thorn in my foot. My mom broke her arm and hurt her legs so that's been a big challenge. Hospital visits and physio and everything has taken its toll. I went away to Montagu for a few days to chill out. The drive helped.  And I got to see some real trance friends (ie not just party friends).

Oh I had a small break away for my birthday with my close friends. It was a ridiculously beautiful day in the middle of winter. I spent my birthday in my costume in a hot tub... in the southern hemisphere! Ah, what a weird wonderful life. :)

America has gone damn insane. Well, like more insane than ever. Let's see how the next election goes. Fuck Tr$mp. Black Lives Matter. The Patriarchy Must Die. 5G is just wifi. Facebook is evil. People are exceptionally stupid.... and that's why we have stupid laws. 

Did anything else happen this year? Ag, so much....Just going to do the highlights. Also it's 3am. Cause yay anxiety and depression is back!

Anyway, TikTok is amazing. WAP is legendary. Dont waste toilet paper. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. 

Oh yeah and fuck corona. 

Stay safe.

x