Love is all that I can give to you

The song goes like this...

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

My relationships are more like...

L is for the way you look me up online
O is for the only offer I've had in a while so I accept
V is very, very bad mistake
E is even though it sucks, I blame myself

and after a divorce?

L is for the only way I'll look at you is with a court order
O is for the only way we can talk is via a lawyer
V is very, very frustrating
E is expensive life-long lesson

And what about good friends?

L is for the way you look past my weaknesses
O is for the OJ and vodka when I feel like crap

V is very, very healing
E is exactly what I needed right now

I love my friends. 

^_^

 Take it away Nat...

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you 

 

Snowflake

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Ah.. to be young and idiotic... I remember it well. It was so much easier back then.. to not care.. or not pretend to care. If you build a wall big enough around you, no one can ever hurt you again, right? Yeah, right. 

Of course we're all just organic matter, hurtling through space without any rhyme or reason but we're also human. And one of our basic human needs is love and affection. I know... you can all puke now.

But it's true. I don't know why people try to hide this fact from others. We all feel the same way. In this respect, we're not "special snowflakes" because we all want and need the same things.

We need people in our lives. Life is meant to be shared with others and to be full of joy and companionship. I'm not even talking about romantic companionship here. I know how lonely those can feel and I've learnt very quickly that one true friend is sometimes all you need. It helps to have someone to share your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities, your laughter and tears.

 

I know how hard it can be to feel like no one cares. I know how lonely it can be when you dont know who to turn to. I've been amazed at the love I've received from friends and strangers alike. I strive to be there for those that are in need because there is nothing like the feeling of giving back.

I've been touched this week by some amazing people. In giving and receiving, I've learned so much about love. I urge you all to reach out to someone in need... or, if you're in need... ask for help. I promise... it will be worth the effort.

 

Fly far away

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here. 

 ~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?

I've tried running away many times... and it never works.

When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.

Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.

My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.

I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all. 

But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.

Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still. 

We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.

There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love. 

Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".

But, right now.. I just dont wanna. 

I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.

I just want to fly... so high. 

And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.

I want to be unbreakable.

 
edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)

Scar Tissue

I like to pick at scabs.
I wasn't too worried about it and was just going to mention it to move onto the (in my opinion) bigger problem of scratching old emotional wounds but trust the internet to make me feel like it could be a bigger problem.

Ok, so I don't think I'm OCD about it, but some of the things in this article ring true.

Picking scabs is a remarkably self-perpetuating way to act out obsessive-compulsive tendencies that often signal an underlying, often as-yet-undiagnosed mood or anxiety disorder..

Well, I know all about anxiety. I've been feeling more than a little bit anxious about life. Who wouldn't with impending foreclosures, a volatile ex-husband that can strike at any moment, a serious lack of goals, joy and money... and not enough shoes and other pretty things (in no particular order of importance, of course).

Being without money means that you cant get medication for anxiety. And if you try to do the right thing and just "work through it", your work turns out crap which just makes you feel like crap. Feeling crap means that you dont feel like doing anything else, whether that means looking for work or looking for pleasure, leaving you feeling even worse.  Self-perpetuating? Tick!

But wait.. there's more...:

Habitual picking of scabs is classified in the group of psychological disorders associated with self-harm, such as deliberate skin cutting....

Ah well... I know all about self harm. Many MANY moons ago, I would punish myself physically for my perceived "sins". I still do it, from time to time, but in smaller ways these days. I stop eating..  or I eat too much "bad stuff". I sleep to avoid the world.. or I stop sleeping to push myself to exhaustion. I push good and nice people away. I let destructive people in. I hate doing all of these things.. but I do them when I'm in "desperation mode".

the habit..(is) a way to relieve the pent-up frustrations or fears when other ways of dealing with conflict are not effective. Feeling that verbal communications are ineffective leave the scab picker feeling there is no other way to express the emotional turmoil going on inside.

And that's why I'm here, I guess. To express the feelings and fears that I cannot express verbally.  Except I dont really know what I'm feeling or what I should do about me. I feel myself shutting down communication.. and I worry about it... a lot.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I also go back over old emotional wounds. I wonder about impossible questions like "what if?", "why now?", "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?"
I ask the questions.. but get no answers.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Or maybe I'm exactly where I should be... healing.

More on scars from Wikipedia:

Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury or disease...Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.(edited)

So.. there's a wild idea. Maybe if I just leave these scars alone, they'll actually heal and I'll be able to finally move on. I'm still not sure how I should do this... but I'm going to try. The alternative is just not a pretty sight.

And now for the real reason behind this post: Cue the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

A cry, a smile, a dance

I stumbled onto this old post and a poem that I posted more than a year ago... (before everything!):

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By Rumi, Translation by Coleman Barks

I'll be honest... I've been having some pretty dark thoughts recently. It was a combination of some very depressing things... but basically I lost all hope of ever getting somewhere. 

I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against a mountain... and I got tired of fighting.

I gave up on life.

And then... I dont know what it was... the quiet confidence of friends saying without words "I believe in you", the fact that the sun was determined to shine no matter how long I slept and hid behind closed curtains, or the fact that I quickly ran out of DVD's to watch after my three days in bed. *chuckle* (But seriously.. I need more movies, guys. Hook me up!)

I don't know what it was... but today I decided to step outside. I was prepared to run back into my coccoon... but I didn't. I talked with friends, I smiled... I even laughed and danced a little. Oh, I did cry as well, of course... but what's life without a cry, a smile.. a dance. (cue Judith Sephuma.)

So... these last couple of dark days have been cleared out.
There will be others... and I will greet them with as much love as I can next time.
I have a bit of hope back and I am ready.

Bring it on.

^_^

the abyss

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*

Image

Hug a cynic today

I think I'm turning into a cynic.

I literally puke if someone uses the word "boyf". *puke*
I look at newly formed couples and think... "why have they settled for this?"
I look at newly married couples and hope they have a pre-nup and that she kept her name and her own bank account... and don't sign a bond together.
Ok, so I speak from a few bad experiences. I guess it's kinda understandable how I feel.
But I don't want to live with a closed, battered and bruised heart.

I've tried very hard to keep my trust in mankind.. but man always seems to find a way of letting me down. And yes, in this case... it is mostly the men. (Although the women are often just as bad...)
I realise that this makes me difficult to approach and interact with. Who wants to approach someone with distrust in their eyes?
But this is how I feel: I dont trust.

anenome

I do believe (and hope, a bit) that it is a temporary backlash to a time in my life when my love and trust was abused. I feel like a bit of an anemone... open and trusting until someone gets too close and then I close up tight.
I think it's just going to have to take someone truly special to get through some of my tentacles.
Or maybe it will just take time.. and I will change my attitude.
I dont  know.

I just know that I'm not "putting myself out there", not checking out the cute guy in the corner, not trying to be nice and approachable... and I'm not "looking". And I'm kinda ok with that.
I'll admit that I'm looking forward to Mozambique where I can start all over, with no reminders of my past hurts. It's a bit drastic, but it might work.
I hope it does.

Hope.
Maybe I'm not such a big cynic after all.
I'll stick to my corner of the world.. but...
If you want to throw your arms around me...
I guess I won't say no.
xx