The language of love

I recently stumbled onto this website about love languages. Do the quiz.
My last two posts may been a bit confusing... I want love, I dont want love... The truth is, maybe I dont know what love is. Or I just dont understand the language.

So apparently my "languauge of love" is time and words. I do take it very personally if people dont have time for me. If I've made time for you and you dont pitch, it's really hard for me to forget that. And words can really move me deeply. I love poetry, writing... and long wordy emails. Conversely, I'm often hurt by careless things that people say.

The other languages are service, gifts and touch. And all my past relationship mistakes come rushing into mind.... *sigh* I've had partners that would show their love in their acts of service... and that just irritated me. I didnt want gifts and stuff. I want your time and attention... and hopefully a pretty poem. Well I did at least get one poem. :)

I dont have much more to add... other than I'm frustrated and irritated by my past mistakes and my current lack of progress. I have little patience at the moment.
And I feel like I'm running out of time....

*grumble*

~anib

Who Are You?

Caterpillar: ... Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...  

Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself. 

  Alice: Why, I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you know... 

  Caterpillar: I do not know. 

  Alice: Well, I can't put it anymore clearly for it isn't clear to me!  

Caterpillar: You? Who are you? 

Full clip here.

Someone asked me the other day what I like, what I do, what my interests are... and I was stumped.

I know why I was stumped, though. I have really changed so much in the last few years that I really dont know who I am right now. And so many of the things I liked or identified with, was in some way related to other people, which included friends, family and boyfriends.

My attempts at fitting in and trying to be liked by everyone included doing what everyone else was doing.I was getting so good at it, I lost who I was. Or maybe I just didnt give myself a chance to actually find out. Better late than never, I guess.

It doesnt freak me out as much as it used to. This "finding out who you are" business means a fair amount of time alone, doing things that scare me a little... doing new things I might not like... and doing nothing *big eek*.

But with all these new and interesting challenges I put myself through, I seem to survive. I've done dinner alones, clubs alone, gone to parties alone... and I did ok. The general aim is to meet new people but, at the moment, I'm generally ok with just being "alone".

Somewhere, in that empty space, I'll start filling it up with things that I love. But, for now, I need to let go of a lot of things (including half my wardrobe) and just be... alone.

*little eek*

:)

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

Mama... I killed a man

It's hard to write about something that hurts so very much.
It's so hard that I cant even talk about it in therapy. My dear doc has asked me to write angry letters to my mom and dad and I couldn't even get through those.
I guess it's easier to hate people that have physically hurt you. It still feels silly  to value my own feelings enough to be angry when someone just hurts you emotionally.
He's trying to get me to say "I matter".
Wish him luck.

And I wish I could pinpoint what exactly I'm angry/sad about. I kinda know what I missed out on because I see other well adjusted people and most of them have their parents' unwawavering love and support. Even during the tedxcapetown event I attended this weekend, I heard at least three people that credited their mothers as being the force in the lives that kept them going... the one person that always believed in them no matter what... and loved them unconditionally.

I dont feel like I had that.

And it sucks.

I'm not angry.
Just sad.
And tired of having to pick up the pieces all the bloody time.

Night.

~anib

The old days

I stumbled onto this and realised... five years ago was a very long time ago. 

And although some things change... some things dont.
And maybe some people could see who I was before I even knew who it myself. :)

Sometimes I miss nice.

Sometimes I miss wearing my heart on my sleeve.

But I know I do miss old SU a LOT. 

xx

Above reviews were from xineann and b-bear from the old StumbleUpon. 

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib