Friday, August 21, 2009

still standing

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.


i'll be ok.

thank you for listening.


  1. In Autumn, trees lose their leaves and in Spring new leaves sprout... it's part of the cycle of life.
    I am looking forward to your Spring! #:-)

  2. should be... explosive.
    thank you.