Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 
this was on purpose. 
(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 
each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.
as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 
i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 
there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 
and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.
 and babies. 
and eyes. 
and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 
and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.
and, i guess...
i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.
so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.
i really do have some amazing friends.
there are people that "see" me.
i can dance with abandon.
i have great clothes and play with fashion.
i dyed my hair blue and purple.
i recovered from heartbreak.

that was the last video i created. 
my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.
at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.
by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

other than this has been going on for a long time.
and long enough.
i'm tired of being sad.

good night.


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