The Secret

The Secret by =Eibo-Jeddah

this is what i like about poetry.

and hope.

and you.

Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of
poetry.

I, who don't know the
secret, wrote
the line. They
told me

(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
not even

what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the secret,

the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
for finding what
I can't find,

and for loving me
for the line I wrote,
and for forgetting it
so that

a thousand times, till death
finds them, they may
discover it again, in other
lines

in other
happenings. And for
wanting to know it,
for

assuming there is
such a secret, yes,
for that
most of all.

~Denise Levertov 

The Ugly Duckling

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto this video but wow.. I remember it well. Good memories. :)

I have a soft spot in my heart for the little ugly duckling. Of course, I've always felt like one... not just in the "ugly" part (really, spare me the platitudes) but also the "not fitting in anywhere" part.

As a kid, I would wonder about my dear family and imagine great scenes of being switched at birth. Even now, watching them enjoying the WWE wrestling marathon on TV makes me question my origins. But we learn to live with our families and their quirks... eventually. At least you can choose your friends.... ha!

But still, even with friends, I dont quite fit into any group. Throughout my life, I've always done things just a little bit differently to everyone else. So, when I did the goth thing, I painted my nails blue instead of black. At university, I was the only BCom(Acc) student that did "The Sociology of Human Reproduction" for extra credit. I can head bang to death metal and, afterwards, very happily groove to a Michael Jackson tune.

I know... I'm a little weird like that. I dont regret any of these things and I'm glad that I'm now brave enough to express myself in any way that I choose. There are people around me that have enough heart to just let me be me. But still...

It would be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. It would be nice to know that someone needs you. It would be pretty freaking awesome if someone wanted you, without needing anything from you.

*breathes*

It would be nice... to be a duck. 

from Wikipedia

Friends through the ages

I've always had a difficult time defining what a real friend is.

It's very easy to make friends as a kid. You both like My Little Pony and Take That (oh, dont judge me :P), you tell each other secrets and you share your lunch at school. I miss primary school.

 

And then high school happens. As friends, you bond over people you hate (the blonde "Debbie's") and music that you love (Nirvana & Pearl Jam). You try to fit in and then you try to be independent. You're a kid, trying to be an adult. For the first time, you fight and stand up for yourself. The other girls gossip, some people take sides, and sometimes friends break up. High school girls are mean.

Once all that drama is over, hopefully you're able to go out into the world and find out who you are. You can develop your own tastes in music, without looking at what's cool (I like the Parlotones, OK?!).  You can choose who you want to spend your time with. You dont have to try to "fit in" or hang around people you dont really like. But do you? 

I've found that most people "in the real world" still act very much like high school. They hang out with people that are "cool" and are so afraid to be themselves lest they get kicked out of the group. I've always loved the online world because I can choose my circle of friends with one click of a button. I've realised that other people cant be that "ruthless" and will hold onto "friends" for all sorts of reasons other than real friendship. 

As much time as I spend online, I know very clearly who my real friends are. I pay no attention to the numbers game on the various social networks because I can count on my hands the number of people that I really trust and love. Included in that number are people that I've never met on the other side of the world and some that I haven't spoken to in months. All the people I've encountered have had some impact on my life and I treasure them for it.

 

In the real world, it's much more difficult to meet new people. I've relied on Twitter for my social network and it's been fun for a while. But, right now, I need to have more quality than quantity. I understand that it takes a lot more time and effort and I understand that. I'm not an easy person to get to know but if you want to know me, just ask.  I'm feeling just a little jaded by some bad things that have happened, but I'll try not to bite.

So this is my new criteria for friendship: You dont need to like the same music I like. You don't need to share your lunch or even hate the people I hate. All you really need to do is learn to understand and know me, be honest with me at all times and make me laugh. Ok, and you can also buy me a drink once in a while. ;)

*edit: miss you alice. xx
(and boni and sollune and dsc)

Love is all that I can give to you

The song goes like this...

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

My relationships are more like...

L is for the way you look me up online
O is for the only offer I've had in a while so I accept
V is very, very bad mistake
E is even though it sucks, I blame myself

and after a divorce?

L is for the only way I'll look at you is with a court order
O is for the only way we can talk is via a lawyer
V is very, very frustrating
E is expensive life-long lesson

And what about good friends?

L is for the way you look past my weaknesses
O is for the OJ and vodka when I feel like crap

V is very, very healing
E is exactly what I needed right now

I love my friends. 

^_^

 Take it away Nat...

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you 

 

Snowflake

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Ah.. to be young and idiotic... I remember it well. It was so much easier back then.. to not care.. or not pretend to care. If you build a wall big enough around you, no one can ever hurt you again, right? Yeah, right. 

Of course we're all just organic matter, hurtling through space without any rhyme or reason but we're also human. And one of our basic human needs is love and affection. I know... you can all puke now.

But it's true. I don't know why people try to hide this fact from others. We all feel the same way. In this respect, we're not "special snowflakes" because we all want and need the same things.

We need people in our lives. Life is meant to be shared with others and to be full of joy and companionship. I'm not even talking about romantic companionship here. I know how lonely those can feel and I've learnt very quickly that one true friend is sometimes all you need. It helps to have someone to share your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities, your laughter and tears.

 

I know how hard it can be to feel like no one cares. I know how lonely it can be when you dont know who to turn to. I've been amazed at the love I've received from friends and strangers alike. I strive to be there for those that are in need because there is nothing like the feeling of giving back.

I've been touched this week by some amazing people. In giving and receiving, I've learned so much about love. I urge you all to reach out to someone in need... or, if you're in need... ask for help. I promise... it will be worth the effort.

 

Fly far away

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here. 

 ~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?

I've tried running away many times... and it never works.

When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.

Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.

My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.

I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all. 

But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.

Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still. 

We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.

There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love. 

Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".

But, right now.. I just dont wanna. 

I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.

I just want to fly... so high. 

And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.

I want to be unbreakable.

 
edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)

Scar Tissue

I like to pick at scabs.
I wasn't too worried about it and was just going to mention it to move onto the (in my opinion) bigger problem of scratching old emotional wounds but trust the internet to make me feel like it could be a bigger problem.

Ok, so I don't think I'm OCD about it, but some of the things in this article ring true.

Picking scabs is a remarkably self-perpetuating way to act out obsessive-compulsive tendencies that often signal an underlying, often as-yet-undiagnosed mood or anxiety disorder..

Well, I know all about anxiety. I've been feeling more than a little bit anxious about life. Who wouldn't with impending foreclosures, a volatile ex-husband that can strike at any moment, a serious lack of goals, joy and money... and not enough shoes and other pretty things (in no particular order of importance, of course).

Being without money means that you cant get medication for anxiety. And if you try to do the right thing and just "work through it", your work turns out crap which just makes you feel like crap. Feeling crap means that you dont feel like doing anything else, whether that means looking for work or looking for pleasure, leaving you feeling even worse.  Self-perpetuating? Tick!

But wait.. there's more...:

Habitual picking of scabs is classified in the group of psychological disorders associated with self-harm, such as deliberate skin cutting....

Ah well... I know all about self harm. Many MANY moons ago, I would punish myself physically for my perceived "sins". I still do it, from time to time, but in smaller ways these days. I stop eating..  or I eat too much "bad stuff". I sleep to avoid the world.. or I stop sleeping to push myself to exhaustion. I push good and nice people away. I let destructive people in. I hate doing all of these things.. but I do them when I'm in "desperation mode".

the habit..(is) a way to relieve the pent-up frustrations or fears when other ways of dealing with conflict are not effective. Feeling that verbal communications are ineffective leave the scab picker feeling there is no other way to express the emotional turmoil going on inside.

And that's why I'm here, I guess. To express the feelings and fears that I cannot express verbally.  Except I dont really know what I'm feeling or what I should do about me. I feel myself shutting down communication.. and I worry about it... a lot.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I also go back over old emotional wounds. I wonder about impossible questions like "what if?", "why now?", "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?"
I ask the questions.. but get no answers.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Or maybe I'm exactly where I should be... healing.

More on scars from Wikipedia:

Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury or disease...Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.(edited)

So.. there's a wild idea. Maybe if I just leave these scars alone, they'll actually heal and I'll be able to finally move on. I'm still not sure how I should do this... but I'm going to try. The alternative is just not a pretty sight.

And now for the real reason behind this post: Cue the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.