daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

Oh December

Happy 2013. :)
We're halfway through January already and I'm still trying to wrap my head around December 2012. So much has happened.... I dont even know where to start.

I guess the best place to start is my friends', AJ and Caryn, wedding. It was in Franschoek. It was really hot and a bit different than normal weddings (think zombies, burlesque and heavy metal) but still a really good day. I went with my friend Yvette, expecting to know no one else there. I managed to meet so many people that I knew from very different parts of my life... as far apart as twitter's tequila club and close friends of my family. That's Cape Town for you - everyone knows everyone.

I somehow magically transformed into a little bit of a social butterfly (I have these moments occasionally), chatting to everyone and getting to meet some new people. I met the very hippy and lovely Psy who I had recognised from some trance parties. We spoke about some of the parties we had been to and he spoke about his horrible experience with someone at Groovy Troopers. I shared a similar experience about the man-child and he gave me the best hug in the world. So, of course, we became instant friends and agreed to go to the next party together. I know, right? :)

We went to the End of the World party on the 21st. He kindly offered to drive us there and found the best place on the farm for our tent. He introduced me to his "psy family" - a group of really cool people that congregate in the "crystal tent". It was a loving environment and I was having such an amazing time. It was super chilled with no set agenda of what we had to do. Just being there, enjoying the music and the vibe was enough. I was happy.

I was also thinking of the man-child as this was my first trance party without him and even considered phoning him on the first night... but I didnt. Still, I did see him the next day. I was initially happy to see him and hugged him and told him I missed him (we hadn't spoken in over a month). He was friendly but then very quickly started his drama so I took a step back and (literally and in every sense of the word) let... it... go. I'm done with that - completely and totally done.

"Let It Go" by Kenny Random

During the rest of the party, I felt so free and uninhibited. I was in a great, happy space... bouncing around meeting all kinds of lovely people. I handed out free hugs and sweeties and had the coolest chats with strangers. I bonded with a lovely, shy, super intelligent boy and did some fun things with a ginger who ignored me the next day. It was all good. Life was fun.

And then I went home. Family. Christmas. Food. Baby (not mine). Car broke down.

I went to another friend's wedding in Stellenbosch. I went with an old friend of mine and it was so good to catch up with her. I got to speak to her about everything that has been going on over the last couple of years, especially about my ex-husband and my dad. Other people seem to think that it's old news or that I should be over it by now. It felt good to talk about it. And it felt even better to still feel loved by someone I haven't really spoken to in years. Someone who knew me before everything...  someone who still believes in me. I was in grateful tears. I really needed that. *sigh*

I then went to Boomerang, the New Year's Eve trance party with Psy and my cousin and some of her friends. It was the MOST fun EVER! The BEST!! I managed to score the "best cousin" award with everyone. So many great memories... so many beautiful people... I loved it all.

And then... 2013.

Work. Money. Life. etc.

I'm glad that I'm back in therapy. I'm glad that I'm dreaming more and I'm glad that I've made some progress in my personal relationships. I still want to do more and be more...
But I think I could be on the right track.

December 2012... I will miss you.
January 2013? I guess I'll grow to like you.

Toodles.

~anib

Thanksgiving

I need a positive, happy blogpost. So here it is. :)

It was Thanksgiving in the USA last week. While I can be a cynical, sarcastic **** (insert four letter word of choice :P) sometimes, I was actually quite touched by some of my American friends and their posts about what they're thankful for. A few other friends have been doing 30 days of gratitude during November. I've been wanting to join in... but maybe I should do all 30 days today. Let's see how we go...

I am thankful for:
1. my mom who's always there. with all our ups and downs... she's there.
2. a place i can call home. it's not perfect but it is enough.
3. the internet and the way it connects me to the world.
4. enough food to eat.
5. a few good friends.
6. my car.
7. clothes... far too many.
8. shoes... never enough ;-)
9. family.... with all their craziness.
10. a job and enough money to do stuff.
11. the colour pink and how it just makes everything better.
12. the occasional kindness of strangers
13. sunsets
14. cocktails
15. cameras and photographs
16. music... in all its forms. all of it.
17. the beach.
18. summer.
19. rain.
20. love.
21. hope.
22. dreams.
23. my father. it's complicated but it's ok.
24. electricity and running water. there are people ten minutes away from me who dont have these things.
25. sleep... which is what i need right now.
26. cape town. table mountain. south africa.
27.
28.
29.
30.
and that's as far as I can go right now.

I will try again tomorrow.

~anib

Issues much?

So it's been a bit of a weird week. I've been busy and bored and very tired and a little happy.
Weird hey?

My last session with the doc brought up a whole lot of stuff that I really dont want to go into. Suffice to say that I have issues (ha!). And sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk about the same issue, it still remains an issue. But basically, deep deep deep down, I still assume that I'm this really horrible person that doesn't deserve a whole lot of good stuff. So I will either self sabotage a good thing or run after bad things. It's a skill I really dont want anymore.

The details of the last week are blurry.. I did a few fun things. I tried some things out of my comfort zone and then retreated into my cave for a while. I took my mom out for supper which was a nice thing to do. And I reconnected with an old online friend. Things are fine.

But, more than anything, I'm still pissed off at a small thing that's been happening. The stupid guy has been sending me these very passive aggressive and condescending emails and whatsapp messages. Stupid troll. I can see right through it but it still makes me really mad.  Like REALLY mad. One of the things I've learned from doc is that I do not know how to deal with anger. I take it all inside and beat myself up endlessly for things that other people do. I know... I know. It doesn't make sense but I feel like a dumbass. *shakes head at self*

I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so exhausted all the time. My mind runs a million miles a minute... it never rests. I worry about everyone and everything.... except me.

*breathes*

And on we go...

~anib

Working it out

So a few things have been happening and I've been dying to write them down... but I'm also so overwhelmed by all the things going on in my brain that I dont really know where to start.

I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm  a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.

Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.

But otherwise, I'm ok. :)

Letting go

Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again. 

I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!

I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.

On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.

I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.

I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.

And... I really should be enough. :)

Enough

~anib

Brave thing

So I think I did a brave thing on Monday... I asked for help.

At first, it was just a little tweet sent out early on Monday morning.
You know how you sometimes just send out tweets without thinking... kinda hoping that no one sees but you just have to spit it out? Yeah, well... I really didnt expect anyone to see this tweet:
"Maybe I need help #depression"
People saw.
And people helped.
Thank you people. :)

So I did the next logical thing and found a doc and saw him the same day. It was good. I was given permission to grieve the many losses I have experienced in the last year. And some that I thought I was already over. Our brains are funny things. Regardless, I am giving myself a break and going to really take care of myself. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The first step is getting some proper sleep and dreaming again. He is interested in dreams and working with the unconscious which makes my hippy heart very happy. And he doesn't like using medication which also makes me happy because I really dont do zombie very well. Oh and he's kinda cute. So that helps.

Otherwise, I'm still doing stupid shit... wasting money... worrying about everyone else too much.
I miss my friend Yvette. I really do. I've been sick.. and mentally down for a while now so I've chosen to stay away because she needs happy vibes and I aint got much of those these days.
I worry about my mom.. I think she is also depressed but... I dont know how to help her.
I worry about work... it's complicated.

And I've decided... to blog more.
So.... hi.
And um... bye for now.

xx
~anib

Good morning

I dread mornings.
I hate the heavy weight of duty and obligation.
I want to run away... every single day.
I need to stay away from dangerous places.. so I'm not tempted.

I'm not happy.

Every single day I feel "not good enough".
I feel alone.
And desperate.
Ugly.
And mean.

So I guess I've succumbed to depression..
again...
and I absolutely hate it.

I guess I've had a good run this anus horribilis so I shouldn't be too surprised.
I've been down this road before and I got out of it.... relatively ok.
But... I cant help but wonder if this is just the way some people have to live.
Not everyone gets their fairytale ending.
Not everyone gets their happy.
Sometimes... you just have to get on with it...do the best you can with what you've got... be grateful ... and some other stupid platitudes.


And as I'm writing this... a little teeny tiny faint child-like voice says:
bullshit.


So I try again.


Fuck it.
xx