Good news

I need some good news
Sittin' here, sippin' on cold truth
Nobody knows what I'm goin' through
Bet the devil wouldn't walk in my shoes

Wish someone told me
Livin' this life would be lonely
Tryna get away from the old me
Still stuck singin' these blues

All I really need is a little good news

- Shaboozey 2024

2025 has been 2025-ing. We seem to be descending quickly into facism and late stage capitalism is killing our collective will to live. It's hard to wake up every day and be bombarded with genocide, femicide, transphobia and general wtf-ery. The horrors persist, but so do we.

Somehow, in all of this (gestures wildly), I found the strength and energy to go to "the Outside". I went to the AfrikaBurn Decompression party. We haven't had an official Decompression since pre-Covid days.... so this one was special. We also had it at the Castle of Good Hope which was a challenge for many people but it also really important to reclaim that space. And the weirdos won again. I'm so proud!

I decided to dress up in ridiculousness because, why not?! The thing with dress up is that although it's just a costume, it does become a part of you. I was so afraid that I had lost a piece of me that was silly and frivolous and all I had left was an empty hard shell. But the mask melted away quickly and I was able to access a part of me that had been hidden for a while.

I have been feeling a little isolated and alone and have been afraid that this was just the way things were going to be. I was starting to get worried that my fluffy heart had frozen up and would never break out of its cage again. Would I just continue to talk in mixed up metaphors about better times? Well, fear not.... I'm almost back to me(ish). :-P

I was so impressed with the variety of music, the variety of humans and, more importantly, the kindness of strangers. Man, but I really love to dance. We have so much talent in this country. I was so proud. And I had so much fun! Burners just have a whole different vibe. My favourite people are still trancers, but burny trancers are the most FUN!

Anyway, it was a great day to reconnect with new and old friends and I treasured the special moments of human interaction. I know.... I suprised myself! Although (some) people can be mean, it really is a beautiful thing when they decide to be their better selves. Self included! (Note to Self!)

And talking on better people.... Ah Cyndi Roberts. 

It's been so difficult to deal with such a huge loss to the trance, burner and festival community. She wasn't just this or that... she was home to so many people. She created her own space, she made space for others, she gave and gave generously. She was tough but fair. She was beautiful and funny and smart and kind. She fed us and kept us on our toes. She worked so hard. She was loved so very much and we will miss her but never forget.

It was so beautiful to attend her memorial service and various "after tears" events. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We burned a few things and ate and drank. And now we need to carry on living and loving each other. Because this is what we do. And this is why we do it.

Anyway. It was good to share the space with the bestest weirdos. 

It reminded me why love and friendship is so important. I am so thankful.

In between all of this, there was a birthday that I largely ignored. I wont be doing that again but I did need the little me-time to absorb all these re-learnings. Let's celebrate more things together. This is why we do it.  

Love n stuff. But mostly love.

xx

~anib

Two years an Orphan

 Time, hey. It's quite a thing. 

It's been two years since my mom passed away... and it's also Mother's Day. I'll be driving back from Afrikaburn (hopefully), so this is pre-prepared. 

This was the eulogy prepared by my brother which was really just so beautiful and perfect. 

It's all a lot. Love anyway. <3

~~~~

We are very fortunate.

I say this because we live in an age where we can take photos at anytime..

When I looked at the photos of Mae on my phone, the photo frames at Anita’s house, the photos in our program and in the video in the church today - I, for one, am grateful that we have so many memories captured in time.

Looking at these beautiful photos and amazing life, I wondered where do I even start?

Perhaps we start in the beginning

She was a daughter. 

A caring daughter who helped her mom as they went from one end of the world to the other. Always by her side, helping her and the family.

She was a sister. 

The oldest sister of 11 children.

She was so caring and important as a big sister, that they viewed her as a “2nd mom”. Even calling her ” sister” rather than her name as a sign of respect.

Then, while belonging to this core family, she started a family of her own.

She was a loyal wife who went through thick and thin. Sticking to my dad;s side through sickness and health. 

Then she was a mother, the best mother one could have.

Nothing was too much for Mae. Ensuring we had the best with the little we had.

Then, would you believe it, she became an ouma. 

Just like with her brothers and sisters, her children and her new daughter in law - she loved every bit of her 2 grand children. 

On top of all this:

She was a friend. 

Many times total strangers would come up to us and then they would turn out to be friend’s with Mae. Just like her family, these friends were shown respect and love.

She was an absolute sports fan. 

Any sport, any time, she would watch it and have something to say. Everything I know about tennis, cricket and football actually came from watching games with her.

Then, most importantly, she was a true disciple of God.

Not only committed to going to church every Sunday but spreading the word of God as she lived her life.

When going to church became difficult, she continued spreading the Word and Love wherever she was. 

She had the knack to take the words of God and translate it in a way that would help the person she was talking to.

But back to the photos.

I could talk for days about her character and the impact she had in our lives.

In the photos, what I see, and what I would like you to see, is the Love she had for all of us.

She was Love.

But its not just about the words “I love you”, its about her actions:

Making sure you are okay.

Making sure you were safe.

Making sure you were fed.

Nothing was ever a problem for her.

It was even how she greeted you:

“Hello Sweetie”

“Hallo Querida”

And like she Loved us, God Loved her.

She was very peaceful in her last days, surrounded by God’s Love. That in turn, surround me with peace and being grateful for the time we had.

I heard someone said “she was one of a kind”

And yes, she was.

Thank you Mae for everything.

We love you.

Fala ‘tra vez.

On Being Medicated

 Depression? Kinda depressing, hey?  😂

Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(

I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.

My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.

I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. 

I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.

Take the meds. Speak to someone. 

There is help out there. Even if it's hard. 

It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.

k. bye.

~anib

Closer to Fine

🎵 Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. 🎵

Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!

But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. 

But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!

Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!

And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.

It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! 

And did I mention the pink?! 

Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:

I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white?
But the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
But there's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine, yeah 

Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!

*spoiler alert*

There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. My mom got me Dana when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. 

Ja hey...Moms. <3

Love n stuff.

~anib

2022 in Review

Another year gone... and I'm so very happy that this one is going away soon. 
Found these questions via Nafisa and I think they're pretty cool. So, let's go! 

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?
Travelled to Israel! What a trip. I missed my friend so much but I'm so glad I went. 

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I dont think I made any this year. It was a rough start to the year with an anxiety attack but I'm glad I'm now on medication for this.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Will hopefully be seeing the London fireworks... in London!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. So many people. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
Israel and flying to UK tomorrow!

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?
Joy. Happiness. Peace. Friends.

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
6 May. Getting the phone call from the hospital at 4am... the whole day was a lot.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I like just survived, hey? Managed to reach out and make some new friends. Kept trying to stay alive. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being on tiktok too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just mental illness but I got help for that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Very exciting waterproofing! OMG and a dishwasher! #adultingAF

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel! And medicine!

13. What song will always remind you of 2022?
Harry Styles – As It Was (Thanks TikTok)

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Cant think of anything...

16. What was your favourite TV program?
Rewatched the entire This is Us. So good and healing.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Ha. Trying not to.

18. What was the best book you read?
I dont read much. :(

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Harry Styles.

20. What was your favourite film of this year?
Encanto!

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Manicures and pedicures with my sister-in-law and nieces.

22. What kept you sane?
My home.

23. Who did you miss?
Friends.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Family of my best friend in Israel. 

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.
Life is too short. Ask for help.

Here's to 2023!
~anib
xx 

The Shadow of Death

The year 2022 contiues to take and take.

I need to do a few important RIPs because... this year has been a lot.

Mae

80 years old, 2 children and 2 grandchildren and second mom to her other 10 siblings.

Only got married at 37 which was quite a thing for '78. Met and married my dad in South Africa and lived here all the rest of her life after growing up in Madeira and working for a while in Maputo. 

Deeply religious and lived her life in service to others. Spent her whole life working in a shop in Maitland before retiring. Life hasn't always been kind or easy, but there was always a joke or laugh to be had. 

I hope you have peace and are finally free of all the aches and pains of life. <3 

Johnnie V

The Lightchaser from StumbleUpon days. But Johnnie to everyone. A truly kind and beautiful person. Once he found out what you liked, he would share a pretty image or song or joke to your wall on an almost daily basis. Always so so kind and so sweet. Much loved. So very missed. 

Adin VR aka The NoMoneyGuy

My online friend, the kick to my side-kick. The one with the big ideas and the crazy ideas and the big heart and the bigger smile. The one that always listens, tries to help and isn't afraid to ask for help. He helped me come out of my shell in 2010 and through his friendship, I met so many new and interesting people and leant so many things about myself. I cant even begin to explain the influence that he has on my life. Greatly loved by so many.... if you knew him, you know. 

Tyrone B

I heard about this quite late. What a horrible tragic way to die. Thank you for showing me the trance world. Thank you for pushing my buttons and showing me a side of me that I had forgotten about. I wish you peace.

Buckley

The cat that I adopted from my brother! He only stayed with me for a month before we found out he was sick. What a sweet boy you were. <3

Let's hope 2023 is kinder.

xx

~anib

May 2022

 This year. This month. Is it over yet?

A nice man once wrote a nice poem about being in love in May. I am starting to miss the warm embrace of romantic love... but my heart and soul isn't ready to love again. Like, any kind of love....

This month, it was my dad's 10 year death anniversary on 26 May. And my mom unexpectadly and suddenly passed away from pancreatic cancer on 6 May. She was supposed to come home that day... but she didn't make it. It's been such a lot. The price you pay for love... 

My family came from around the world - Australia, Portugal, UK and Johannesburg. My mom was the eldest of 11 children and a second mom to her brothers and sisters. It was a big loss to our entire family. The family came together once again to celebrate and laugh and cry... to eat. To love. It was good.

But the family have now all moved back home and we are all trying to live a new new new normal... because hey, we're still in a post-pandemic world. What even is normal anymore?

Everything is different. And Very Not Normal.

The price you pay for love.... is love.

This May month of sadness is almost over. 

I really hope the rest of this year will be kinder. 

With love.

~anib

Still 2020

 God damn. 

This year. 

God. 

Damn.

It's been over 200 days of lockdown in South Africa. We're on level 1 now and the "new normal" is working from home, wearing masks, hand sanitiser, no big public gatherings and much better home delivery services. It hasn't been all bad but it's been a lot. 

People have taken on different lockdown projects. I did a bit of baking, sort of gardened (weeding counts), lots of home improvement and cleaning (when I'm cleaning, you know I'm stressed...!). Oh and I went back to gym. The horror. But I'm trying!

Planning ahead is really difficult. We cant even plan for December holidays but I definitely do need a holiday. We're not sure if public gatherings (ie outdoor parties) are technically allowed, but there are some smaller ones being held. It's a mess but we all need our outlets. I went to a private indoor event last week and it was ok. We're waiting out the two weeks just to make sure. There was another small "super spreader" event at a local pub in Cape Town (Tin Roof, Claremont).... so it can happen easily. But you hedge your bets. It's a strange world.

So, a few other things happened. I got my first tetanus shot after a stupid thorn in my foot. My mom broke her arm and hurt her legs so that's been a big challenge. Hospital visits and physio and everything has taken its toll. I went away to Montagu for a few days to chill out. The drive helped.  And I got to see some real trance friends (ie not just party friends).

Oh I had a small break away for my birthday with my close friends. It was a ridiculously beautiful day in the middle of winter. I spent my birthday in my costume in a hot tub... in the southern hemisphere! Ah, what a weird wonderful life. :)

America has gone damn insane. Well, like more insane than ever. Let's see how the next election goes. Fuck Tr$mp. Black Lives Matter. The Patriarchy Must Die. 5G is just wifi. Facebook is evil. People are exceptionally stupid.... and that's why we have stupid laws. 

Did anything else happen this year? Ag, so much....Just going to do the highlights. Also it's 3am. Cause yay anxiety and depression is back!

Anyway, TikTok is amazing. WAP is legendary. Dont waste toilet paper. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. 

Oh yeah and fuck corona. 

Stay safe.

x

2020 - Issa lot

corona. lockdown. wtf.

https://twitter.com/sadgirlnuri/status/1245668927180607488

2020

Mid winter

It's so cold in Cape Town. It feels like it's been freezing since March. But we've just come out of mid-winter so.... here's hoping it gets warmer soon (but not too soon because we do still need the rain in Cape Town).

So of course I decided to spend this last weekend camping. In a hurricane. For fun. Issues, much? Well yeah, but it was actually fun, after I got over the anxiety of dying in a hurricane. Anyway, vortex was an interesting and wonderful experience for lots of reasons. I got to actually work at a party for the first time ever - like free entrance and meal tickets kind of work. Next level! Also, the hurricane scared off the two humans that hate me right now so I could just relax at the party.

It also felt really great being part of the flow arts group again. It felt nice being part of *a* group, I guess. But I did end up spending most of the party alone... which I really dont mind and enjoyed. I also spent most of the party sober which was great because I remember all the connections that I had with everyone. It was a really nice feeling. Adulting-ish, evens.

I had a similar experience at Afrikaburn this year. I camped with D-Camp with some friends and lots of new people that became friends. And I was also mostly soberish.... so was pretty myself and enjoyed the time with others and on my own. Lucky me.

But this year has been a little challenging with relationships and friendships. I've been trying to be more honest and vulnerable and it doesn't always work out the way I would like. But things are actually ok... friend wise. I have enough.

I just wish that I could get a handle on finances and move forward to building something and not just paying off kak. So far, I'm worried about my car, my mom's house, my chimney, security.... and like food, electricity and black tights (impossible to find! urgh!!).

But everything is actually fine.
And Good.
Enough.
xx

~anib

New year, who dis?

Dear blog... I'm sorry for neglecting you... again. But if you dont know me by now, gurl.... then I cant help you. :) And I realise how ridiculous it is to do a new year blog in March.... but 2019 has been a lot already. Happy New Year.... and thank fuck 2018 is finally over.

So.... 2018. What a year. I went to BOOM!!!! festival which was.... !!!!! No, truly, it was the best experience I've ever had. It had its challenging moments as well but I've been spoiled by that festival experience in so many ways. I spent so much time alone and wondering about the point of it all... and then tried to stop thinking so much and just experience the moments: the giant 40,000 people dancefloor, watching the full moon eclipse, the awe inspiring art, the heat, the lake, those cold showers, the tree hotel, the chill dancefloor, the best flow artists in the world, the being fields, the adult playground, the food (omg), acai ice cream, the giant ants, the ozzies, the israelis, the saffas, the toilets, the graffitti..... aargh... so much!  It was good, despite the logistics and money and bugs. It was good.

And then a week of Lisbon, mostly on my own, was truly relaxing and interesting and fun and scary and emotional and hot and good. It was good. All good.

And then back home. Where nothing has been good ever since. Well, you know... it wasn't all bad but I guess I've just been slowly spirally towards a depression low. 

I've had possibly the biggest and most heart breaking time with friends and trying to figure out who I am outside of friendships that I thought were solid. I've been trying to find my ground after a difficult psychedelic experience and possibly a psychotic break. I've been trying, trying, trying to find some kind of normal, some kind of stable, while everything around me seems to be shifting and moving way outside my comfort zone. I've yet to find it, to be honest. I've been struggling daily with what is real, what can be trusted, and who.... who on earth I can rely on in this lonely planet.

So far, I'm holding onto me, myself and I... which is dodgy at best and comforting in my saner moments. I think I might actually be losing my mind but people seem to think I'm doing ok. So, on I go, I guess. I'm still employed and I own a home... so perhaps I'm not doing too badly. Who needs humans, I guess?

I feel like I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I do enjoy my new home... when I'm home alone though. That's a whole challenge on its own. But my desire or need to go out to trance parties has significantly decreased. There's lot of reasons for that. My home at parties has been taken away from me but, also, perhaps... I have nothing that I'm running away from anymore. Home is a good place for me to be. I spend most weekends at home and really enjoy it. I'd like to spend it with more friends and family but I cant really force people to visit me. Like, I've actually tried.... I cant anymore.

Shrug

It is what it is, I guess.

I'm trying my best to move into 2019 with some confidence and self love. But the lingering self doubt continues. So we'll continue to fake it until we make it, I guess. And keep trying to find that tinest spark of joy or hope for better days.

Onwards.

~anib

New house, who dis?

I have a home. My own house. A house with a giant double story mermaid mosaic. Of course I do. But also... OMG I ACTUALLY REALLY DO! It's a little hard to believe... and process... but it's real.

So it's been a month since I've officially moved in. The first week was a whirlwind of boxes and unpacking and dusting and frustration and excitement. I had a few friends over to sit around a fire, in a house with no furniture, plotting and planning what to do with the walls and space. There is so much space! This was initially terrifying, being surrounded by so much emptiness, but I'm getting more used to it now.

I managed to find lovely couches and some other bits of furniture so it's starting to look more like a home. I've spent a few nights wondering if this was the biggest mistake I've ever made or the best. Only time will tell, but it's been an experience that I'm learning to love. I'm starting to explore what I like and putting together a place that I can welcome friends and feel at home.

I'll put up some pictures later... and I'm having a house warming when I return from BOOM festival in August. So, for now, I'm happy in the space, excited for the future and hoping the economy doesn't crash!

Oh yeah. And I'm going to Boom festival in Lisbon next week. All casual like.
SO MUCH EXCITE!

Will hopefully catch up on that when I return.

toodles.
~anib

Bread

I walked past a bakery today. The smell of freshly baked bread took me right back to early mornings with my dad, fetching fresh rolls with him for our shop. Every Sunday morning, after walking back from mass, we would have a warm, crispy roll with lots of butter, ham and cheese. Every day at school for 12 years, I would have white bread sandwiches made by my mom. I had roosterkook for the first time in Potch after watching Fokofpolisiekar with my best friend at the time. I had a boyfriend that enjoyed cooking for me and that included home baked bread.

Bread Equals Love.

So basically... fuck banting.

xx

All the New things

Well... it seems that some things have changed since my last post. Actually, a whole lot of things, including my attitude (thankfully).

I have been actively house hunting and I put in my first offer to purchase today. Hoping I can get past the snotty estate agent and get the house of my dreams. It has a fireplace, aircon, beautiful kitchen, pool, outdoor braai, alarm... and *squee* I cant wait. Holding thumbs.

I also got my learner's licence and will be applying for my driving licence this weekend. That's a very long story but it's so very important to me.

And then, finally... yes I am on a new eating plan and am rapidly losing weight. I feel good and I think I can keep it up until at least Boom. I don't even know who I will be after Boom.... so let's just wait and see what happens after that.

I have also dyed my hair back to my more natural dark brown and will aim to keep it that way until December. I would like to grow it out a bit more... maybe look more like a girl. Maybe. We'll see.

Oh. And that's also the motor for 2018: We'll see. We'll plan what we can but otherwise, we will go with the flow and see what happens. So here's to a whole bunch of changes and seeing what will happen next.

Onto adventure.
xx

New year, same me

Oh hey. It's 2018. Well I'm not going to summarise 2017. It's just another year. And I'm just not into looking back right now.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on something to look forward to. And so I'm trying to plan for Boom music festival in Portugal. Lord knows why, but I've booked tickets and now I'm slowly trying to figure out how I'm going to survive out there.

After the modem festival last year, I've learned that I can survive the travel aspect. And modem was pretty comfortable, relatively speaking. Boom is incredibly hot and dusty and very big. So I'm scared.

I'm also going with my cousin and some friends do that amps up the social anxiety part. I was happy to do modem by myself because I could do it at my own pace and not worry about anyone else. Not sure I really want people around me while I'm struggling with self doubt.

But anyway. One of the ways that I've been thinking of preparing is.... Um. Losing weight. And yes. I know.... That even seems impossible to me. But I'm trying. Well I tried. But I really really can't. And I hate that about me so much.

I thought I could try the paleo diet again because I lost so much weight the last time but... Urgh. It's so boring. I might throw up on water. Gross.

Urgh.

I need another plan.

Or maybe another me.

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.

Bleh.
xx

Seven years

Seven years.
2009 was the year I finally got divorced.
2009 was the year that I should've had my baby.
2009 was the year that I ran away and fought and gave up and tried again and finally walked.
2009 was the year that I fell in love again and out of love.... again... and again.
2009 was the year that I got out of my comfort zone and made new friends and a whole new life.

2009  feels like a long time ago. And today, I think I'm feeling the 7 year itch. I'm feeling too comfortable... too safe... too bored.

I'm not unhappy. I have so much to be grateful for.... and I am grateful. I survived a messy divorce, paid off all my debts, got myself into a really ridiculously good job and I have some amazing people who love and support me. I am healthy, happy and I have enough.

And yet.

Apparently, every 7 years you change and the next chapter for me includes more changes.

This is when we reassess the results of what we are doing externally in our life. Our relationships, careers, habits and the ways we interact are all put under scrutiny and modified or changed. It’s a time of facing up to what does and what doesn’t satisfy us.

So... here I am, I guess,  being challenged by my relationships, career and habits. And trying to figure out where to go from here. Because here is just not enough, it seems.

Yesterday, Carrie Fisher passed away and, while I have no real connection to her, I was touched by this quote that I found. 

There was a time that I was so afraid of everything... but I had to do things anyway. In 2009, my motto was "just try anything once" and it led me to a whole lot of interesting people and places. I have a lot more confidence in things that used to scare me.... But I'm still scared of things like love and intimacy.

I hope that I will be braver in 2017.
I will be braver in 2017. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and satisfying 2017. 

And maybe even a fun NYE. ;)

xx

~anib

Novemberitis

Urgh. November.

Still Beautiful

The TEDx Talk by Lillian Bustle

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.

The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.

Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.

Onwards!

~anib